I Am So Discouraged

152.5

I think it is fair to assume that all of my current readers have carried over from my Sisterlocks blog, Sisterlocked in SC - Another Sisterlocks Success Story!

And you know what? My Sisterlocks experience to date has been all good. In spite of the fact that I have bent quite a few of the rules. I never braided and banded. I requested a larger lock size. I didn't use the starter shampoo. I don't tie it up at night or sleep on a satin pillowcase.....I could go on. And yet my Sisterlocks still look fabulous!

I have had no problems with slippage or unraveling, no outrageous frizzies, and they are growing marvelously. I have indeed had nothing but success.

Not so with my weight loss efforts.

In fact, I feel like I should rename this blog, "Black Russian Packs on the Pounds!"

Three and a half weeks ago, I made quite the declaration about my intent to change my eating and exercise habits. I even intend to participate in a half marathon in January. And since then I have been so inconsistent with my diet and so non-existent with my exercise that I have actually gained 5 lbs.

On August 19, my weight was 147.5, and it was the most I'd ever weighed....Ever, in life!

Previously my peak weight was 135. And I thought that was positively awful. Almost 5 years ago, my weight crept up from the familiar and comfortable 107 - 115 range to a 123 - 127 range and I absolutely thought it was the beginning of the end! Because to that date I had never weighed more than 120 and not stayed at that weight for anything more than a month or two.

But I didn't stay at that weight for more than 6 months, and I actually managed to lose it all within one month. I kept it off for the next three years with very little effort and never looked back.

So you can imagine how I feel now when I look in a mirror.

I am so disappointed in myself. Because of my obvious lack of self-discipline and because of the negative cycle I find myself caught in.

I look in the mirror. And I feel fat. And I think: might as well have another ice cream cone (donut, candy bar, brownie, slice of pie, piece of cake, order of fries...whatever, you name it.)

I know better! I am so not this person. And I am just like: what in the world? When did this happen? How did this happen? What is up with my self-esteem? What am I upset about that I am not dealing with? Why am I in this funk and how do I pull myself out of it?

So I have been writing posts, but I have not published them because I have not had the courage to expose myself in this way. My Sisterlocks blog is mostly funny and upbeat and positive, occasionally introspective. I don't want this one to be all about my failures and shortcomings and how bad I feel about myself at the moment. That's just pitiful!

I wrote a post on my other blog about how much I hate my body (and the bad habits that have made it this way). n'drea was so sweet. She told me not to have any self-hate, and she said that she had always seen me as a very positive person, and I am. I really, really am. Which is why when I look inside myself and try to figure out why I'm eating like this (because I know there must be an emotional trigger), I feel just as much like I am someone else emotionally as I feel like this is someone else's body when I look in the mirror.

I didn't want to post about the funk until I had pulled myself out of it, until I had turned the failure into success. But then yesterday I was thinking about my Sisterlocks blog and why I started it: to document my journey, and to garner support, and to communicate with other women who were experiencing the same things.

When I started my blog and my Sisterlocks, I did not know I would experience such success. I didn't know that I would be so in love with them every day. I was fully prepared to have days where I didn't like them at all and totally doubted my decision. I was very afraid I wouldn't like them and would wake up some mornings thinking: what have I done?

I wanted to create a support system. And I wanted to help others who were unsure and afraid as I was in the beginning.

So, maybe being this honest and allowing myself to feel this vulnerable with my weight loss blog will help someone else down the road, and maybe it will help me too.