DAC - Day 2

Still with it, took pills, drank water as instructed.

Slept through breakfast and lunch, so my first meal was at 3 pm. Awful, right?

I cooked Lemon Piccata Chicken with Jasmine Rice. It's basically chicken breasts lightly pan-fried in olive oil accompanied by a lemony sauce with artichoke hearts and capers. Sounds indulgent, but only about 400 calories per serving.

It was bad to eat my first meal of the day so late because even though I had been sleeping, I was starving by the time I ate. It was very difficult to limit myself to a single portion, but I did.

I knew I had to just give the food time to settle, and I did. I finished my serving and drank some water and went on to another activity. Within thirty minutes I realized that I did feel satisfied. However I did want more food an hour after that and I ate a banana.

I decided that would be my main meal for the day and if I get hungry later I will eat another piece of fruit or have some yogurt. Chances are it will be after 7 before I am hungry again and I don't want to eat anything heavy and go to sleep on it since I know I will not be exercising tonight.

Dual Action Cleanse - Day 1

I have to wonder how much difference there is between brands, but a common theme that makes sense is this: they all claim to work better if you reduce your intake of fried foods and starches - foods that 'gum up the works' like bread and cheese - and concentrate on fruits, vegetables and other foods that are raw or high in fiber content. They also encourage you to stay away from sugar, caffiene and alcohol.

Today was my first day and I started off ok in the morning, but before the day was done I gave in to a craving for french fries (fried starch, no less) and I found a Snickers bar while cleaning up (it was at the bottom of a basket of clothes - go figure - I don't even remember buying it, but it couldn't have been more than 2 months ago - a little behind on folding the laundry - yeah....).

Anyhow, I felt like I had four options 1)Put it in the freezer and save it for later when the cleanse is done. 2) Eat part of it now. 3) Eat all of it now. 4) Throw it away.

If I put it in the freezer I felt I ran the risk of breaking down and eating it somewhere in the middle of the cleanse. Better to 'set myself back' at the very beginning than somewhere in the middle, right?

I chose 2) eat part of it now...which became 3) eat all of it now. But then it was gone and could no longer tempt me.

I know, such unhealthy patterns of thinking have gotten me exactly where I am today.

That is why I am trying to blog about it, in the hopes that seeing it in writing and knowing that others are reading it will help me to reset my thought patterns.

We'll see...

As for the cleanse, I did follow the regimen of taking the pills and drinking the water as directed.

You never see results the first day anyhow. It's just a foundational sort of thing.

Is Colon Detox Hype?

Have any of you seen that infomercial, "Is Colon Detox Hype?"

As is the nature of infomercials, it comes on in the wee small hours of the morning.

I've seen it many times and for months now. Haven't watched it all the way through, mind you, only flipped through and listened briefly to parts 2 and 3 minutes at a time. Also the nature of infomercials.

Come to think of it, I probably saw it for the first time 2 years ago.

Well, back at the beginning of August I actually went so far as to log-on to the website to see how much it costs. It was in the neighborhood of $150. So I said to myself: No. Not at this time.

I have tried various cleanses and detox programs over the years and all of them work to varying degrees which are mostly dependent on how closely you follow the instructions.

I've found that powders you mix in drinks are usually more immediately effective than pills, but pills are easier to take and more portable, so that's a trade-off you make. Even though I like the more instant effect of powder-based programs, they are a pain on account of the convenience issue and they never taste good!

So... as much as I value the effects, I never complete a 30-day program because I give up on account of one or both of those factors. (Convenience/portability and taste/thickness.)

I saw the infomercial again about three weeks ago and decided to call.

You know they always say you'll get some special price if you call now!

So I did.

It was probably 3 am and the order-taker I spoke to had a bad attitude and would not divert from her script. All I wanted to know was the special price and she insisted in trying to take me through a series of questions about whether I wanted weight loss and how much and if I'd ever tried to detox before - yada-yada-blah-blah.

When I finally got her to tell me the 'special' price - it was exactly the same price listed on the website. Not special at all!

I was completely fed up, so I promptly hung up!

And that was the end of that. (Or so I thought.)

Roughly a week later I got a call around 7 pm from a friendly sales rep. She asked if I had called recently and what had been my experience and why I hadn't ordered.

I explained that the combination of bad customer service and lack of special had completely turned me off.

I have to give my girl Jennifer her props and the company as well for having a good follow up program.

She offered me the same original package for $50 off and threw in some freebies. She listened respectfully to my complaints. She stayed on the phone with me for about 15 minutes and answered all of my very detailed and somewhat repetitive questions. It was an entirely pleasant experience and I placed an order at the end of the call.

It finally came today! (I say that like it's been a long time. It hasn't. I'd say 7 - 14 days. I can't remember when I placed the order - oh, wait - it's on the invoice: 9/18, so, yeah - two weeks.)

You take the pills with meals - breakfast, lunch or dinner - pretty much whichever two of those three works for you. The kit came this afternoon around 4 pm, so I'm going to start fresh with breakfast in the morning.

This is merely one element of my new eating and exercise plan.

I'm going to try harder to stick to the plan and put forth more effort to blog about it regularly, but y'all know me. We'll see how it goes....

Cooper River Bridge Run 2009

I was just in Charleston over the weekend and I had a wonderful time. I want a reason to go back.

I have a friend who does the Cooper River Bridge Run every year. It's a 10K. And next year it takes place at the beginning of April, which gives me just about 6 months to train for it if I start now.

It was kind of knocking around in my head as something I might want to try, but I was reluctant to commit even in my own mind and I was really reluctant to post about it.

Y'all remember that half-marathon I was supposed to train for a year ago? Um, yeah...that didn't happen at all.

Once I began looking into starting my business, I totally fell off the wagon. All attempts at training fell entirely by the wayside. And I am so ashamed.

However, today I read this blog entry by Southern Girl and I have to say that it has really inspired me.

I'm a few steps closer to committing to it. I appreciate the link she included with the training suggestions. It's called the Couch-to-5K Running Plan.

Big Loser

In general, I am not a fan of reality television... no judgements against those who are really into it - it just isn't my thing.

But I am fascinated by The Biggest Loser.

I loved the show even when I wasn't fat myself and hadn't struggled with my weight. I just found it inspiring that people could work so hard and consistently lose so much weight week after week.

Like all such shows there is an element of unreality and manufactured drama, but it's okay. That is part of what makes us watch and keeps us coming back week after week.

Last year I watched the fall season. I hoped it would help motivate me. After all - some of the contestants had 100 - 200 lbs to lose. I only had 40 - 50. If they could do it in three months, why couldn't I?

Well... we won't talk about why I didn't.

This year we'll talk about why I will and how I did it.

Yep...trying this again...

I started this blog 13 months ago and I haven't achieved success. In fact, I gained 45 lbs.

I went for a physical the day after my birthday (8/10) and I stepped on the scale. To my shock and horror, I watched as the scale calculated 191 lbs!

We won't talk about how that made me feel.

But I haven't given up. I'm not sure I'm at the commitment level I need to get the results I want, but I am ready to start again.

Stay tuned.

Half-@$$ed Book

More bad language!...sigh... I can't get away from it. It's everywhere in the weight-loss world - pardon - book world. I suppose it's the latest way to try to seem catchy and edgy and to set oneself apart - except - everyone is doing it.

But I'm not going to get on my little soap box about it, lest I seem over-pious.

Anyway, while visiting 'The Skinny' - one of my new favorite blogs - I saw this post announcing an interview. Coming soon: The Skinny interview with Half-Assed author Jennette Fulda. It's a short, but interesting post that has footage from an interview she did on The Today Show

Jennette lost 200 lbs. A noteworthy achievement. And she is another blogger-turned-author.

I haven't bought the book and at present I have no plans to read it, but I have enjoyed my few visits to her blog www.pastaqueen.com.

Gail Gedan Spencer. co-author of 'The Skinny' did a follow-up interview as promised a week ago. Click here for The Skinny Interview.

I can identify with several things she says in both the television interview and the e-mail interview. 1) The denial factor. 2) That blogging, when done faithfully, does keep you accountable. And 3) Once you've been significantly overweight, you have to accept the fact that maintenance is probably going to be a lifelong struggle.

She says, "I think maintenance is the hardest part of weight loss. We’ve probably all heard stories of people who’ve lost a lot of weight and gained it back. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to overcome any obstacles or struggles that might cause the weight to creep back on. Even when you lose a lot of weight, it’s never really over. You have to earn a healthy body every day for the rest of your life."

I believe that's true.

I've known since I was a pre-teen that I had tendencies toward addiction, and so I was vigilant about not experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and other addictive substances and practices. (We won't talk about the shopping - that is a whole other story...and I am not gonna go there!)

Somehow, I always managed to steer clear of food addictions. There were brief periods in my life when I would overeat for about 5 days and gain 5 - 7 pounds, but then I would level out, tighten up, exercise, and get a handle on whatever was causing me to stress-out and adopt the self-destructive behavior.

But this time things were different and I just spiraled out of control. So here I find myself, trying desperately to get a grip and just plain do better.

After a year of living dangerously, dietetically speaking, I realize that I need to reset my brain and my body chemistry. And that it won't happen overnight. And that it won't be over once I reach my target weight.

When I get my good body back, I will never be able to take it for granted again. I will have to be conscious about the choices I make. Every hour of every day for the rest of my life.

...sigh...seems so daunting...

Denial

Denial will do you in every time!

There was one part of my brain where I was just not thinking about it. How fat I was getting. How awful I felt all the time. How bad I looked in my clothes.

It was like I just couldn't process it.

Even though it was with me every waking moment somehow I just tuned it out. I almost had to. Otherwise the dissatisfaction would have driven me to distraction.

Not action, just hopelessness and despair....Oh, wait... I lived there for a while, too.

Sitting around the house in sweat pants and a t-shirt you don't have to think about it, but the moment you want to leave the house - for anything - it becomes a problem.

What to wear to the grocery store? What to wear to the business meeting? What to wear to a party or concert?

Nothing looks good.

Nothing.

And I would tell myself: remember this.

Remember this frustration the next time you want an order of french fries or a slice of cheesecake.

Yet somehow, the denial won out every single time.

Some part of me would say: "Ok, just this last time. And I will start my new eating plan tomorrow." Or, "I'm going to swear off sugar and starches completely - indefinitely - so I can have this today because the weight will just melt away when I give it all up for good!"

Ah...the lies we tell ourselves, right?

Skinny B*tch

The complete title is: Skinny Bitch : A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous. And today I walked into my local Barnes and Noble and plunked down $13.95 to purchase my very own copy.

(Note: Everyone who knows me personally knows that I am patently against use of the 'B' word and curse words in general. I make it a point not to use expletives in my every day speech - not even when I'm really angry. And that's part of the reason I avoided reading the book until now. It is literally dripping with foul language...part of the no-nonsense and tough love, I suppose.

Before you rush out and buy it, take that under advisement. There is hardly a page and nary a chapter where the authors don't assault you with some form of crude language about the junk we put in our bodies and the terrible havoc it wreaks on our health.

If you are easily offended or have religious convictions about cursing, I recommend you skip this book altogether...)

Now...having run my disclaimer...it is exactly what I needed.

A friend told me about this book six months ago.

I know. I know. It isn't a new book. It debuted in late 2005.

The authors were all over the talk shows and all over the Internet, but it was barely a blip on my radar. Another one of those pop culture crazes like 'He's Just Not That Into You', which also held no interest for me because I was in a committed long-term relationship.

In 2005, I weighed 105 lbs and really didn't think things would ever change. After all, I was 28 and fairly healthy and happy. Why would they? I thought if I had any tendencies toward obesity they would have presented themselves already and since they had not, I thought I was 'safe'.

Back to the book: Contrary to what the title suggests, the book isn't really about being skinny or bitchy, but mainly about trying to make healthy food choices. The authors say this, "A Skinny Bitch is someone who enjoys food, eats well, and loves her body as a result. It has nothing to do with how much you weigh or what size you are! Skinny Bitches come in all beautiful shapes and sizes!"

Now, I know it makes good marketing and pr sense to make generic, feel-good statements that are sweet and all-inclusive that way. However, if you do happen to read the book you can tell that healthy eating and clean living is the main goal and getting skinny is the by-product and side-effect, as it were.

I am hesitant to give a hearty endorsement to the book on account of the language and the fact that the authors make some pretty controversial statements about a lot of mainstream products and practices. Nonetheless, it contains a lot of facts I needed to be reminded of.

Laura Kelly, co-author of 'The Skinny' said exactly what I was thinking in an interview with 'SB' author Rory Freedman. She writes, "I see your book as a cautionary tale akin to Fast Food Nation and Super-Size Me. Something to pull out and re-read whenever the urge strikes for a bacon double cheeseburger and fries."

Let's all be honest. There is no way not to know that fast food is bad for you and will make you fat as will the habitual consumption of processed foods, pre-packaged convenience/snacks/junk food, as will constantly eating out, as will lack of exercise.

But it's like those V-8 commercials. Sometimes you need someone to give you a pop upside the head.

Sometimes you need to be confronted with the ugly truth of why 'sugar is the devil' and 'soda is liquid satan'.

It's funny how having those trite irreverent phrases in your consciousness makes it just a little easier not to reach for the candy bar or the coke while waiting in line at the grocery store.

And behind the cheeky little catch phrases there are facts about why certain foods are bad for you, but alas, there is where the book becomes most controversial. (Aside from the fact that these two women who look so cultured and refined in the jacket photo swear like sailors...) They attack meat and dairy unmercifully. And sugar. And diet sodas. And artificial sweeteners. And white bread. And white rice. And just about everything we eat in America.

They quote from other health food books and studies done by naturopathic and homeopathic doctors. And many people dismiss such findings and conclusions as pseudo-scientific quack-talk. I don't buy into every single thing they say, but there is a lot of truth in it.

I love how the book begins, "Are you sick and tired of being fat? Good. If you can't take one more day of self-loathing, you're ready to get skinny....You just need to smarten up and use your head, so that you can make intelligent and educated decisions for yourself...This knowledge will empower you.

This is not a diet. This is a way of life. A way to enjoy food. A way to feel healthy, clean, energized and pure. It's time to reclaim your mind and body..."

Amen, sisters!...Preach.

If you're on the fence about the book, at the very least check out Rory's interview with Laura Kelly on 'The Skinny'.

What's the Skinny Now?

180.0

So...it's been 10 weeks since my last confession - ahem - post.

You might think I had time to have lost 10 or 15 pounds since then, right?

Or perhaps you guessed that I hadn't posted because things were not going well.

SSDD.

Really. I'm not getting enough sleep. Not getting any exercise. Eating absolutely all of the wrong foods every single day. Eating right before bed time. Eating in the middle of the night. Literally.

Sometimes I'll go to bed, wake up at 2 or 3 to go to the bathroom and eat ice cream or some other junk or, like, a tv dinner in the middle of the night.

I don't care what the box says ... it is not a healthy choice if you eat it at 2:30 a.m and go back to sleep.

It's awful! The thing that makes me most angry with myself is that I know better! I know better than to do any and all of these things and yet somehow on some level I find myself powerless to break the cycle of bad habits.

I've been really stressed and a lot of it is emotional eating, but I also know there is a physical trigger. I totally need to detox. I know my body chemistry and hormones and pH balance and everything are all out of whack. I can feel it. I won't even talk about the current state of my colon.

I know - know - that the sluggishness and fatigue I am feeling go back to that. And it's keeping my body from absorbing nutrients like it should. Which is causing me to overeat and have crazy cravings for sugar and carbs.

Everyone knows that lack of sleep contributes to weight gain in several ways. 1) You're too tired to exercise. 2) The more hours you spend awake and alert and active, the more time you have to feel like you need to eat. And 3) the body also interprets lack of sleep as starvation for some odd reason and hangs on to its food stores and pads them about the stomach and thighs - go figure!

I'm drinking maybe 16 ounces of water on a good day. That's no good.

Yep.

Doing. Everything. Wrong.

I'm not just unhappy anymore.

I am officially 75 lbs over-weight and have long since crossed the threshold of 'a little chubby' and made my way actually to that place called 'obese.'

I have all kinds of stretch marks and cellulite and I am praying that they will go away with diet and exercise.

So, like I said, I am not just unhappy, I am really, truly unhealthy.

I feel like I am killing myself slowly.

I know that if I don't make changes and soon I will be setting myself up for all sorts if maladies: hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, cancer...

Plus, I just plain don't feel well. How could I with all of those bad habits?! It's a good thing I don't smoke or drink - I think I might have keeled over already.

In any case, my quality of life has fallen off considerably. I get winded walking up stairs and around the mall. Although I hardly go there any more because it is depressing looking at all of the cute clothes I can't wear.

We won't even talk about how it has affected my sense of style. I've taken to wearing flat shoes most of the time because I feel so heavy I feel like I will fall at the worst and at the least roll my ankle and give myself a bad sprain. My center of gravity and sense of balance are both off. And I feel frumpy and dumpy in everything.

I've even stopped wearing make-up and tweezing my brows.

It's not that I don't care.

It just takes so much effort...and I still feel completely unattractive no matter what clothes and accessories and cosmetics I'm wearing because there is no hiding the fact that I'm fat.

People who didn't know me a year or two ago don't know that I haven't always looked like this, but every time I see people who did, I see pity in their eyes. I really do.

I know everyone thinks I've let myself go. And I'm sure they wonder why.

I look into the eyes of friends and acquaintances and see the question: what happened? And the thought: what a shame.

I don't think it's my imagination.

I wrote my last post with so much conviction. I cannot believe that it translated into so little action.

...sigh...

I'm So Over It!

175.0

Wow! It's been three whole months since I posted!

I did not know it had been that long.

Why have I been away?

I have been totally immersed in everything to do with the start-up of my business and I have totally neglected the weight loss efforts. I haven't even stepped on a scale because I knew - knew - I had gained even more weight.

I could guess what the numbers were and simply could not bring myself to stand there and get confirmation of my biggest fears.

I remember how miserably unhappy I was a year ago when I weighed in at a whopping 135!

My favorite jeans didn't fit right and my cute little sweaters were too tight.

Twelve months have passed and what I wouldn't give to see the 130s again! I never imagined my body would look like it does right now.

But last night I had a moment.

I looked in the mirror and I thought about all of the things that caused me to eat foods I shouldn't, cease to exercise, and neglect myself and my health in general and I just thought: I am so over it!

I'm over beating myself up about what I did and didn't do. I'm over being unhappy about how I look in my clothes. I'm over being uncomfortable in my skin and feeling like I'm walking around wearing a fat suit. I'm over wanting instant results. I'm over trying to be someone I'm not.

And for the first time since I talked about starting my weight loss journey, I believe I'm actually going to see some real results - because I'm done trying to lose the weight for superficial reasons and I finally addressed most of the issues that were at the heart of my weight gain.