Update

163

What?!?!

I know. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I have a month's worth of unpublished posts sitting in draft that somewhat explain what happened...as much as I understand it myself. I haven't decided whether or not I will post them because they are so full of negativity.

I wrote what I felt as I felt it, like I do in my personal journal, but on the re-read they made me feel very sad. Sadder than I felt when I wrote them.

I realized months ago that I had fallen into a terrible pattern of emotional eating and making bad choices on account of feeling unhappy about things I thought I should be able to control. I felt a certain amount of powerlessness.

I was legitimately tired and distracted. And so I gained weight. And then I was unhappy about the way I looked. And then I ate - either more than I should have or something more fattening than I should have, on the "might as well" principle, coupled with the "I'll do better tomorrow" lie.

"I've already eaten french fries today, so I might as well have two slices of cake with ice cream and chocolate syrup. Besides, I'll workout extra tomorrow and eat only salad to balance this out."

Whatever....

It so didn't happen that way. And day after day I made poor choices. I kept eating brownies and cheesecake and pie and fried food. And not exercising at all...I hate to think about it. And so now I am 15 lbs heavier than when I started this blog. And now I really, really do look fat.

Now I have almost 60 lbs to lose and I can't even wrap my mind around that number.

I feel like I am in someone else's body. Or like I am wearing a fat suit. I can't bend over to reach my toes as easily as I once could...my stomach is completely in the way. I have a gut I can actually rest my hands on when seated....And I hate my boobs. I feel like they must weigh 10 lbs each. I am wearing a 40 DD bra. I can put my head in one cup and wear it like a bonnet! (Really, I did this.) Fifteen lbs ago they were humongous, now they are gi-nor-mous and totally in the way all the time whatever I do. They are out of control!

I am totally embarrassed to go to the gym. I can't run. I can't find a sports bra that fits....I heard this phrase once that seems a perfectly accurate description...."like two cats fighting in a bag..." Yep. That's the visual. And it hurts!

Ninety minutes of exercise. At least 5 times a week. That is my new goal.

Last night I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I decided to go slow since it had been a while. I didn't want to wear myself out or get injured. So I only managed to walk 2 miles in that time. I did the same thing again this morning when I woke up. I plan to do another 45 tonight before bed.

I managed to work in some reps with light weights while watching television. I also did some stretching. As I started my workout this morning I had a recurring thought and it was this: more than anything I have to get out of the negative headspace that made me feel this way if I am going to lose the weight and feel better.

I have to stop hating my body and feeling unhappy.

...sigh...

I haven't dropped out, I promise!

Hello All....I've been terribly busy and I've been writing but not posting because I need to proofread and clarify and edit and explain....New posts coming within the next two weeks (Okay, honestly, it might be Thanksgiving weekend by the time I get it together!)....Lots going on with me off-line again....Job changes...life changes...the usual things that get us off track and keep us struggling.

Thanks for continuing to stop by and check on me. I also really appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement and support! I've had a few significant setbacks, which I intend to be very candid about, but I am still plugging away.

More to come...