What's the Skinny Now?

180.0

So...it's been 10 weeks since my last confession - ahem - post.

You might think I had time to have lost 10 or 15 pounds since then, right?

Or perhaps you guessed that I hadn't posted because things were not going well.

SSDD.

Really. I'm not getting enough sleep. Not getting any exercise. Eating absolutely all of the wrong foods every single day. Eating right before bed time. Eating in the middle of the night. Literally.

Sometimes I'll go to bed, wake up at 2 or 3 to go to the bathroom and eat ice cream or some other junk or, like, a tv dinner in the middle of the night.

I don't care what the box says ... it is not a healthy choice if you eat it at 2:30 a.m and go back to sleep.

It's awful! The thing that makes me most angry with myself is that I know better! I know better than to do any and all of these things and yet somehow on some level I find myself powerless to break the cycle of bad habits.

I've been really stressed and a lot of it is emotional eating, but I also know there is a physical trigger. I totally need to detox. I know my body chemistry and hormones and pH balance and everything are all out of whack. I can feel it. I won't even talk about the current state of my colon.

I know - know - that the sluggishness and fatigue I am feeling go back to that. And it's keeping my body from absorbing nutrients like it should. Which is causing me to overeat and have crazy cravings for sugar and carbs.

Everyone knows that lack of sleep contributes to weight gain in several ways. 1) You're too tired to exercise. 2) The more hours you spend awake and alert and active, the more time you have to feel like you need to eat. And 3) the body also interprets lack of sleep as starvation for some odd reason and hangs on to its food stores and pads them about the stomach and thighs - go figure!

I'm drinking maybe 16 ounces of water on a good day. That's no good.

Yep.

Doing. Everything. Wrong.

I'm not just unhappy anymore.

I am officially 75 lbs over-weight and have long since crossed the threshold of 'a little chubby' and made my way actually to that place called 'obese.'

I have all kinds of stretch marks and cellulite and I am praying that they will go away with diet and exercise.

So, like I said, I am not just unhappy, I am really, truly unhealthy.

I feel like I am killing myself slowly.

I know that if I don't make changes and soon I will be setting myself up for all sorts if maladies: hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, cancer...

Plus, I just plain don't feel well. How could I with all of those bad habits?! It's a good thing I don't smoke or drink - I think I might have keeled over already.

In any case, my quality of life has fallen off considerably. I get winded walking up stairs and around the mall. Although I hardly go there any more because it is depressing looking at all of the cute clothes I can't wear.

We won't even talk about how it has affected my sense of style. I've taken to wearing flat shoes most of the time because I feel so heavy I feel like I will fall at the worst and at the least roll my ankle and give myself a bad sprain. My center of gravity and sense of balance are both off. And I feel frumpy and dumpy in everything.

I've even stopped wearing make-up and tweezing my brows.

It's not that I don't care.

It just takes so much effort...and I still feel completely unattractive no matter what clothes and accessories and cosmetics I'm wearing because there is no hiding the fact that I'm fat.

People who didn't know me a year or two ago don't know that I haven't always looked like this, but every time I see people who did, I see pity in their eyes. I really do.

I know everyone thinks I've let myself go. And I'm sure they wonder why.

I look into the eyes of friends and acquaintances and see the question: what happened? And the thought: what a shame.

I don't think it's my imagination.

I wrote my last post with so much conviction. I cannot believe that it translated into so little action.

...sigh...