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What?!?!
I know. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I have a month's worth of unpublished posts sitting in draft that somewhat explain what happened...as much as I understand it myself. I haven't decided whether or not I will post them because they are so full of negativity.
I wrote what I felt as I felt it, like I do in my personal journal, but on the re-read they made me feel very sad. Sadder than I felt when I wrote them.
I realized months ago that I had fallen into a terrible pattern of emotional eating and making bad choices on account of feeling unhappy about things I thought I should be able to control. I felt a certain amount of powerlessness.
I was legitimately tired and distracted. And so I gained weight. And then I was unhappy about the way I looked. And then I ate - either more than I should have or something more fattening than I should have, on the "might as well" principle, coupled with the "I'll do better tomorrow" lie.
"I've already eaten french fries today, so I might as well have two slices of cake with ice cream and chocolate syrup. Besides, I'll workout extra tomorrow and eat only salad to balance this out."
Whatever....
It so didn't happen that way. And day after day I made poor choices. I kept eating brownies and cheesecake and pie and fried food. And not exercising at all...I hate to think about it. And so now I am 15 lbs heavier than when I started this blog. And now I really, really do look fat.
Now I have almost 60 lbs to lose and I can't even wrap my mind around that number.
I feel like I am in someone else's body. Or like I am wearing a fat suit. I can't bend over to reach my toes as easily as I once could...my stomach is completely in the way. I have a gut I can actually rest my hands on when seated....And I hate my boobs. I feel like they must weigh 10 lbs each. I am wearing a 40 DD bra. I can put my head in one cup and wear it like a bonnet! (Really, I did this.) Fifteen lbs ago they were humongous, now they are gi-nor-mous and totally in the way all the time whatever I do. They are out of control!
I am totally embarrassed to go to the gym. I can't run. I can't find a sports bra that fits....I heard this phrase once that seems a perfectly accurate description...."like two cats fighting in a bag..." Yep. That's the visual. And it hurts!
Ninety minutes of exercise. At least 5 times a week. That is my new goal.
Last night I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I decided to go slow since it had been a while. I didn't want to wear myself out or get injured. So I only managed to walk 2 miles in that time. I did the same thing again this morning when I woke up. I plan to do another 45 tonight before bed.
I managed to work in some reps with light weights while watching television. I also did some stretching. As I started my workout this morning I had a recurring thought and it was this: more than anything I have to get out of the negative headspace that made me feel this way if I am going to lose the weight and feel better.
I have to stop hating my body and feeling unhappy.
...sigh...
About Me
- blackrussian
- I started this blog as a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am now a newlywed trying to navigate my way through this new business of being married. I love my husband dearly; he is very many of the things I always knew I wanted but feared I might never find... I am still living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day... And it is my honest intention to continue detailing my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!
5 comments:
Rule #1, don't feel sorry for yourself. As crazy as this may sound the weight will more likely fall off when you are least thinking about it. I know it's harder said than done.
Let me tell you, for the past couple years I have been journaling when I exercise and what I eat, I even got so obsessive I started tracking my calories, carbs, fat, protein, etc. and it just got to be to overwhelming. I was always thinking of food and when I didn't journal I ate everything "bad" I could get my hands on. The reason we're always thinking about food when we diet is b/c we actually are always thinking about food. About what we aren't going to eat or how we can make this healthy meal a little more tastier. And then it's a cycle, you're not happy, you eat, then you're more unhappy since you're gaining weight.
I stopped calculating everything and counting points a month ago and have lost a couple lbs. Now I know it might not seem like much but the lbs came off with very little work and I seem to enjoy life a little more since I'm not always scribbling in a pad or downing myself if I eat something I shouldn't.
So, you should not be so hard on yourself. Try to make more health conscious decisions. Meaning, not denying yourself a small piece of cake every now and then and eating small meals throughout the day.
The worst part of it all is the season we are in. Once October 31st hits it just seems to go downhill.
I am proud of you though. For jumping back on the wagon and logging what has occurred thus far. You will be back on track in no time. Just remember we are all works in progress and once you accept yourself at your current weight you will enjoy life a lot more.
I'm rooting for you!!!!!!
Thanks MM,
The reason I started the weight loss blog was two-fold: 1) to inspire others with my success (that I was sure would be quick and easy and not so much of a struggle) and 2) to make myself more accountable than I would be if I kept a journal for myself only.
However, I have found that I really appreciate the encouragement I GET from those who stop by and comment, even when - ESPECIALLY when - I am feeling like a failure.
This is all so new to me. I have never had this much extra weight and I have never felt so negative or helpless and unhappy about it.
I look at my 'skinny' clothes that I could wear a year ago next to the clothes I'm wearing now and it's like they belong to someone else. They look like baby clothes and I almost can't believe I ever wore them and it's scary to acknowledge that I HAVE gained that much weight and even scarier to realize that I've almost gotten used to it as the new norm!
I think that's what I am most afraid of. I want to remain dissatisfied enough that I do not settle in to complacency and helplessness about my current weight. I cannot accept looking and feeling this way.
I feel like I HAVE to do something drastic to get the bulk of this weight off ASAP. If I thought not eating would work, I would do it. But I know my body would just go into starvation mode and hang on to the fat.
I do recognize the need for balance and I am dealing with the issues that lead to my weight gain, so that should help.
Don't beat yourself up! Beating your self up will get you know where. Just continue to hang in there you will overcome this. I believe in you. Just pick up where you left off and never look back just look forward and you will accomplish your goals.
I have a few(not really a few more like a lot) pounds to shed due to two pregancies but I have to wait until my 6 weeks are up and get the ok from my doctor, but I can't wait to get this mission started! I also have an weight loss blog but it is at Extrapounds.com. Have you ever heard of them? They have alot of tools and info that comes in handy. It was started before I got pregnant. When my day comes I will get back to work. Enough about me just keep your head up!
Hey lady! Don't you DARE give up! I JUST started over again and PLEASE know at my height I'm DYING to get to your weight! I know you can do it and you will perservere...just remember tomorrow's gone...focus on today!
hi br:
just wanted you to know that i am still out htere wishing you well. the weight will come off. you know what the "real issues" are and will tackle them in due time. be patient with yourself in the meantime though.
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