Desperate Times...Desperate Measures

Okay...I absolutely have to blog about this for all my sisters in the struggle...

Has anyone else read the book 21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox, by Roni DeLuz?

It was published in May of this year and got lots of exposure on women's shows and in magazines. DeLuz was on The View and Extra. She received quite a bit of publicity when she worked with Robin Quivers (Howard Stern's co-host).



Now...all of this passed me by. I happened to see the book when I was in Barnes and Noble browsing last July. It caught my eye because 21 pounds in 21 days is quite a promise! As I have mentioned before, each time I gained this weight - 15 lbs and then 15 lbs again - it happened extremely quickly (within 7 - 10 days). Which I think is extremely unnatural for someone of my size and former weight and habits. Because this was so discouraging, I have wanted to lose the weight as quickly as I possibly could and still do it safely, without starving my body and getting into that unhealthy eating disorder zone.

I have been known to lose 15 lbs in as little as 10 days...so I know it can be done...anyhow, I picked up the book - back then, in July - expecting it to be the same knowledge and sound bites you find in women's magazines (eat grapefruit, drink cranberry juice) repackaged and expanded upon to fill 200-odd pages. I had no intention of buying it, but I did pick it up and flip through to see if there was anything novel about her approach.

I wanted to skim the diet plan and see what the recommended foods were. Well... I was quite surprised because the first hundred pages or so were actually educational. Although it has been marketed as a book that unlocks the secrets to quick weight loss (supposedly without feelings of deprivation), it is actually about cleansing your mind, body, and spirit and learning to be in tune with yourself - strengthening the mind/body connection through establishing various routines and disciplines.

I determined then that it would not be a quick read or a quick fix, and honestly, I knew I wasn't ready. I think I was still looking for a quick-fix and an easy out. She was preaching lifestyle changes and I was not ready to hear it. I was not ready to learn or make changes and all of it would have rolled off my consciousness like water off a duck's back.

But lately I have been feeling extremely unwell and not just unhappy about my weight. I know everybody has been like: hey, cheer up, you'll do fine, exercise, eat right and the weight will come off. I have conveyed so much of my unhappiness about the way I look, I don 't think anyone understands (because I didn't express it clearly, I am sure) how much of my unhappiness is about the way I feel.

I feel sluggish and tired. My circulation has gone to pot. I used to be able to sit cross-legged for hours (not that one should), but now, I can sit cross-legged or with one leg under the other for 10 minutes and the leg falls asleep to the point where I have to stand without moving for nearly a minute waiting for the blood and feeling to return so that I can walk on it without having it buckle under me. I am experiencing other symptoms that make me feel like I am dangerously close to being pre-diabetic and I know that I am on the path to obesity and the myriad health problems that accompany it.

So...as unhappy as I am about the way I look, I am actually much more concerned about the way I feel...so unhealthy. I am desperate to turn it around.

I have blogged before about how angry I am with myself because I know better. I have done so many of the things that I know better than to do and I have forgotten how to live the routines that kept me healthier and consequentially thinner. Simple things like mindfulness when eating, so that I recognize when I am full and stop - whether or not it tastes good or my plate is still more than half full.

This book is good because it is reminding me of the things I used to know how to do. It is making me remember things I learned long ago about how the body works and why certain habits run contrary to healthful living and weight loss efforts.

DeLuz is a naturopathic doctor and writes extensively about the body's ability to heal and regulate itself. Her advice and methods are non-traditional to be sure, so it's not for everyone, but I think many of us with locks (and the subset that is inclined towards juicing and vegetarianism and raw/live foods) will find it a good read. Even those who are not may find it an interesting read whether or not you actually agree with her theories or can see yourself adopting the lifestyle she recommends.

I would really appreciate comments from anyone who has read the book already and would encourage anyone who has not (and is constantly struggling with dieting disappointments) to look it over.

As I was saying, back in July, I knew I wasn't ready for it, but I filed the title and concept away as something to revisit later. Well, last week I decided the time had come, so I bought it on Sunday. I am only on page 70 so far, but I am really enjoying it. I will continue to blog about my impressions (which may change) and my success (or lack thereof) in following the detox regimen.

Recommended Reading

45 minutes; 2 miles; 300 calories

The same way I've done with my Sisterlocks blog, I've decided to pass on articles of interest that relate to weight loss and women. Because I have had so many body image issues of late, I found the following article to be a good read and thought my would appreciate it as well. From Newsweek: Why Women Lose Weight - Or Don't.

Incidentally, today I came home from the office at noon, changed into my workout clothes immediately and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I walked 2 miles and burned 300 calories!

Yay for me!

I did not work out yesterday. I just let time get away from me and before I knew it, it was 1:30 a.m. and I really needed to get to bed, but I decided not to let it get me down, and not to beat myself up about it. I have told myself that while it is my goal to workout each and every day, I should recognize that sometimes that will not happen and I should not belittle myself or let it discourage me entirely.

I will simply make it a point not to skip two days in a row without good reason (like illness - simply being tired or not making time are no longer acceptable excuses.)

I will still be checking in regularly and updating, but I will not be recording my weight just yet. I never minded to weigh myself daily before, but once it got up over 150 (and stayed) the weigh-ins began to get terribly discouraging. I am now focusing on what I eat and my exercise routines.

I will post my weight again when I get into a more pleasing weight range and see more results - trending down. I just started exercising in earnest a week ago and I can already feel changes in my body. My muscles feel like they've been used and my body moves more easily. Still huffing and puffing on the treadmill, but if I stick with it, that should go away within the next couple of weeks.

Needless to say the January half-marathon is out, but I still have participation in a marathon as as a long-term goal. I just have to pick another date and a different city...stay tuned.

But I was saying...I feel changes in my body, but they are not showing up on the scale and I am not putting too much stock in the numbers or how my clothes fit just yet. I will see where I am in 10 more days. I feel like will take at least 2 weeks for my body to get used to the new program because I have been lazy and eating poorly for so long.

Update

163

What?!?!

I know. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I have a month's worth of unpublished posts sitting in draft that somewhat explain what happened...as much as I understand it myself. I haven't decided whether or not I will post them because they are so full of negativity.

I wrote what I felt as I felt it, like I do in my personal journal, but on the re-read they made me feel very sad. Sadder than I felt when I wrote them.

I realized months ago that I had fallen into a terrible pattern of emotional eating and making bad choices on account of feeling unhappy about things I thought I should be able to control. I felt a certain amount of powerlessness.

I was legitimately tired and distracted. And so I gained weight. And then I was unhappy about the way I looked. And then I ate - either more than I should have or something more fattening than I should have, on the "might as well" principle, coupled with the "I'll do better tomorrow" lie.

"I've already eaten french fries today, so I might as well have two slices of cake with ice cream and chocolate syrup. Besides, I'll workout extra tomorrow and eat only salad to balance this out."

Whatever....

It so didn't happen that way. And day after day I made poor choices. I kept eating brownies and cheesecake and pie and fried food. And not exercising at all...I hate to think about it. And so now I am 15 lbs heavier than when I started this blog. And now I really, really do look fat.

Now I have almost 60 lbs to lose and I can't even wrap my mind around that number.

I feel like I am in someone else's body. Or like I am wearing a fat suit. I can't bend over to reach my toes as easily as I once could...my stomach is completely in the way. I have a gut I can actually rest my hands on when seated....And I hate my boobs. I feel like they must weigh 10 lbs each. I am wearing a 40 DD bra. I can put my head in one cup and wear it like a bonnet! (Really, I did this.) Fifteen lbs ago they were humongous, now they are gi-nor-mous and totally in the way all the time whatever I do. They are out of control!

I am totally embarrassed to go to the gym. I can't run. I can't find a sports bra that fits....I heard this phrase once that seems a perfectly accurate description...."like two cats fighting in a bag..." Yep. That's the visual. And it hurts!

Ninety minutes of exercise. At least 5 times a week. That is my new goal.

Last night I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I decided to go slow since it had been a while. I didn't want to wear myself out or get injured. So I only managed to walk 2 miles in that time. I did the same thing again this morning when I woke up. I plan to do another 45 tonight before bed.

I managed to work in some reps with light weights while watching television. I also did some stretching. As I started my workout this morning I had a recurring thought and it was this: more than anything I have to get out of the negative headspace that made me feel this way if I am going to lose the weight and feel better.

I have to stop hating my body and feeling unhappy.

...sigh...

I haven't dropped out, I promise!

Hello All....I've been terribly busy and I've been writing but not posting because I need to proofread and clarify and edit and explain....New posts coming within the next two weeks (Okay, honestly, it might be Thanksgiving weekend by the time I get it together!)....Lots going on with me off-line again....Job changes...life changes...the usual things that get us off track and keep us struggling.

Thanks for continuing to stop by and check on me. I also really appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement and support! I've had a few significant setbacks, which I intend to be very candid about, but I am still plugging away.

More to come...

Thursday

145.0!

I'm very happy. I haven't seen 145 in about 2 months. 140....here I come!

Wednesday

147.5

Tuesday

151.5