Black Russian Gets Her Skinny On!

Body Combat

2009-09-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

195.5

And today I tried Body Combat.

Here is a fun review (bad spelling and grammar aside) I read before I actually attended a class myself.

I enjoyed Body Pump immensely and was looking forward to another class that I could add to my list.

But I've got to say that I did not enjoy it at all. I am not a fan.

It seemed like it would be fun, but I started and I realized that I don't enjoy punching, kicking and jumping. I really like Turbo Jam, so it seemed like it would be close enough. Martial arts inspired workout, boxing-inspired workout. They do share many of the same elements.

But it's weird, I like punching the air and doing jabs in combination with moves that are kind of dance-based. I don't actually like hitting and kicking a bag or pillar. I don't enjoy making contact. It's jarring. And I'm really not an aggressive person. I don't like fighting and hitting. I never have.

And there were lots of squats.

And jumping.

Did I say there was jumping?

Too much jumping. The girls were not happy. My bra was not giving me the support I needed for all of that jumping. It was just not fun at all. I was going to stick it out for the hour, but I decided ten minutes in that it just wasn't worth the discomfort and overall dislike.

I left the classroom and finished out the hour on the treadmill. I could observe the rest of the class from the cardio room and there was nothing they did during the rest of the session that even remotely looked like anything I would have enjoyed. I actually would have rejoined the class in progress if there were segments that appealed to me.

Nope. Nada.

So, I don't consider myself a quitter. I tried it once and it's just not for me. It won't grow on me. It's just not my fitness flavor. There are enough other options that I don't even have to force myself to do something that I hate.

I plan to do Body Pump again tomorrow though.

Trying this Again....

2009-09-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

195.5

Sigh...

This weight loss journey has been a struggle. One of the hardest challenges I have ever faced in my life.

Really.

For so many reasons, and none of them positive.

I don't even know where to begin to tell the story or if I even want to.

No. I am not undecided. I most definitely do not want to tell the tale, but I am starting over again.

I can hardly believe I started this blog two years ago and that I was so disgusted and fed up with the extra weight then, when it was what? 40 extra lbs? 145 lbs. total? I don't know. I have to look it up.

In any case, I topped out this week at 195.

Yep.

Fifty. Pounds. Later.

I'm 4'11. My Dad is 5'11. We weigh... the same... thing.

I didn't even blog about the day I went into the specialty bra shop (oh, yeah, we're in all new territory now - the girls got waa-aay outta control months ago!) and the fitting consultant informed me that I needed a 'K' cup. I knew the 'DDD' wasn't cutting it anymore and I was a-feared I would be in something ridiculous like an 'F' or a 'G'.

Nope. Bypassed them and H, I, and J.

Big breasts run in my family and I was a 'D' and then a 'DD' long before I had a weight problem. It was okay when I still had a 25 inch waist.

I couldn't believe it.

I really don't even want to know what my measurements are now. Not any of them.

I just want to look and feel like myself again. And be able to shop in the petite section and be able to reach for the S and the XS and not the 1X and XXL and actually wonder if they will fit and not be too small. It is a terrible blow to my self-esteem.

Every. Single. Time.

I refuse to get used to this and accept it as my new normal, so I have been really miserable and felt terribly unattractive for the better part of 3 years now, extremely so in the last 18 months.

As bad as I felt before when I was 40 - 50 lbs overweight, I think it is safe to say that I am now officially obese with 85 lbs to lose.

Like I said, we won't even focus on how I got here. I am determined not to look behind, but only to look forward and focus on what I am going to do to rectify this unfortunate situation.

Yesterday I joined a gym and tomorrow I start a new eating plan.

And there is nothing new about either of those things.

I had a gym membership when I began to get fat. In fact, my two year membership was just up in March of this year. Why didn't that work for me? I don't even feel like trying to analyze it.

And the new eating plan?

I've tried fasts and cleanses and Weight Watchers and NutriSystem and Medifast and my own little hobbled-together jack-leg hybrids of diets incorporating shakes and cereals and oatmeal and flax seed and various supplements and teas and frozen entrees by Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine....

Sigh...

Why didn't those work? Any of them?

....So many reasons, and again, this round of blogs is not going to be about the self-analysis. I'm saving that for my personal handwritten, off-line journal.

So what am I going to post here?

I hope to post my record of success. At the very least I want to record my activity and progress.

Like today. What did I do today?

I went to the gym.

Twice.

I went for a 9 o'clock Body Pump class, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was my very first session. There are all kinds of claims on the Internet about how many calories you burn in an hour. I've read everything from 250 to 600. I'm going for the low-to-moderate 300.

Hey! It's 300 more than I burned yesterday!

I absolutely love group fitness and that's why I re-joined a gym.

I have thirty-five fitness dvds if I have one. Winsor Pilates, Yoga Booty Ballet, Turbo Jam, Zumba, etc. And I've done them all. More than once too! More than 5 or 10 times, but there's something about knowing there's a class and scheduling time to show up to work out with a group and a live instructor that really can't be beat. Somehow I need that structure.

I would love to have a personal trainer, but that is not currently in the budget, so group fitness is the next best thing to keep me consistently motivated.

I ran errands (after I came home to shower and rest) and then I went back around 7:30 p.m. and did an hour on the treadmill.

I started out at a moderate 2.8 mph, so as not to overdo it, but I chose a random incline program and was able to keep my heart rate up between 145 and 165, which according to the diagram on the treadmill was the in optimal 75% to 85% I needed to acheive sustained fat-burn.

I covered a total of 2.91 miles including warm-up and cool down and if I can believe the digital readout, I burned 325 calories.

So I possibly burned as much as 625 additional calories today. I wasn't as vigilant about my nutrition as I should have been, but you had better believe that I do not intend to bust my hump at the gym 5 days a week only to undermine my efforts with poor eating habits.

Stay tuned.

Oh, yeah. I'll get around to posting about my hair at some point before the month is over. The 29th is 2.5 years locked! 30 months.

I am never more grateful for Sisterlocks than times when I get caught in a downpour and can go about my business unconcerned, or when I have had a really hard workout and I'm sweating from my scalp - both of which happened today.

All I had to do was come home, wash it in the shower and keep getting up!

Sisterlocks are the best.

Every time I long for my loose nappy hair (which I had been doing more and more of late) I remember the convenience and freedom I now have that cannot be acheived (for me) with any other hairstyle.

Cheryl Burke's Healthy-Life Confessions - Healthy Living - Health.com

2009-07-08T17:01:00.001-07:00

Cheryl Burke's Healthy-Life Confessions - Healthy Living - Health.com™ Shared via AddThis

Y'all know that I am always trying something new - with mixed results and limited follow-through. While I have not embraced this flaw (for I do believe it is a flaw - the lack of consistent follow-through, not the willingness to try new things.) I have rather come to accept this as a fact about myself. It is something I am trying to work on, work around, and overcome - with varied success at different points in my life.

I was always aware of it through introspection and private journaling, but never moreso than when I started this blog (and several others) and my business. I drop the ball on a lot of things.

It has nothing to do with my interest level or general ability to commit. I am just easily distracted and swept up in the excitement and promise of new adventures. I have noticed that I am constantly adopting and abandoning new causes and projects.

I am not habitually unreliable as a friend or business person. I honor my appointments for lunch or meetings, dinner dates, contracts and pricing, deadlines, etc. But the more intangible things like hobbies and travel - dance classes, vacation plans, language lessons, exercise regimens - frequently get lost by the wayside.

But hope springs eternal and it doesn't stop me from trying new things.

I recently read the above article on Cheryl Burke and reposted it here because I have several things in common with her. First and foremost my love of dance. I have loved to dance all my life.

I don't claim to have special talent or skill. I could never have been a professional or a teacher. I know I am not that good and I have no delusions of grandeur - but I do have lots and lots of heart!

I enjoy myself immensely on the dance floor and I am good enough not to be an embarrassment to my girlfriends or dance partner.

The second thing I have in common with her is MonaVie.

I was recently introduced to the nutritional drink by one of my real estate contacts. She suggested I try it for 90 days and see if it changes my life.

She had an amazing testimonial, so I agreed. I'll try to keep you posted, but I know that the regular followers of my blog probably have pretty low expectations. I will probably 1) Not follow the regimen for a full 90 days or 2) Not post about it.

But, again, hope springs eternal. I will try and we shall see.

Walk It Out

2009-02-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'm very excited. I have begun my first week of training for the marathon. I am not sure what goal I will be able to reach. When I was younger and healthier, I could always whip my body into good shape in a matter of 4 - 5 weeks. As I have gotten older and experienced some considerable health challenges, I have realized that I can no longer take that ability for granted.

I would love, love, love to run the full marathon. But I don't want to set my sights that high and find myself discouraged to the point of giving up, so I am going into this with the intention of completing the half marathon as a walker - which will still be a considerable achievement for me.

Phil and Amy

2009-01-30T04:27:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that I'm a huge fan of The Biggest Loser?

I think I did, but I have hundreds of drafts that never made it to post....still gotta do something about that, but not today.

Anyhow, I have always enjoyed the show, since the beginning and before I was fat myself. While I am not a huge fan of reality tv like 'Real Chance of Love', I have always enjoyed makeover shows of all types. There's something amazing about before and afters, whether it's a home renovation, a fashion consultation, or extreme weight loss.

I especially enjoyed the recent season of TBL because Phil and Amy are from Greenville. (Although, truth be told, I spent a lot of my time rooting for Michelle and Renee.)

Phil and Amy spearheaded a 90 Day Fitness Challenge complete with regular weigh-ins and a daily newsletter. It was a sidebar in this newsletter that inspired me to join TNT.

A funny thing has happened as I approach my 2 year anniversary. I am much less concerned about my locks on a daily basis. I was never really inclined to take pictures. Y'all know this... but I made myself do it earlier on to track changes and growth. And am glad I did it.

However with the start of my business and the fact that I have to keep starting over with my weight loss goals (for various reasons) I have decided that I will post more regularly to this blog in the coming months until I reach my goal.

I want to weigh 110 lbs by May 31 when I participate in the marathon.

Can I do it? Sure.

Will I do it? We'll see.

I intend to participate in the marathon, regardless. Unless injury or illness prevents me.

Racing to Save Lives

2009-01-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that I lost my sister Michelle to a blood cancer in May of 2005. I learned about Team in Training through Phil and Amy P. of Biggest Loser fame. (They live here in Greenville.)

I have a plan to get fit by summer and think this is an excellent way to make sure I stick with it!

I'm training to participate in an endurance event as a member of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training. All of us on Team In Training are raising funds to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives.

I am completing this event in honor of all individuals who are battling blood cancers. These people are the real heroes on our team, and we need your support to cross the ultimate finish line - a cure!Please make a donation to support my participation in Team In Training and help advance LLS's mission.

You may do so by following the link to My Fundraising Page.I hope you will visit my web site often. Be sure to check back frequently to see my progress.

Thanks for your support!

Natasha Little

DAC - Day 2

2008-10-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

Still with it, took pills, drank water as instructed.

Slept through breakfast and lunch, so my first meal was at 3 pm. Awful, right?

I cooked Lemon Piccata Chicken with Jasmine Rice. It's basically chicken breasts lightly pan-fried in olive oil accompanied by a lemony sauce with artichoke hearts and capers. Sounds indulgent, but only about 400 calories per serving.

It was bad to eat my first meal of the day so late because even though I had been sleeping, I was starving by the time I ate. It was very difficult to limit myself to a single portion, but I did.

I knew I had to just give the food time to settle, and I did. I finished my serving and drank some water and went on to another activity. Within thirty minutes I realized that I did feel satisfied. However I did want more food an hour after that and I ate a banana.

I decided that would be my main meal for the day and if I get hungry later I will eat another piece of fruit or have some yogurt. Chances are it will be after 7 before I am hungry again and I don't want to eat anything heavy and go to sleep on it since I know I will not be exercising tonight.

Dual Action Cleanse - Day 1

2008-10-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have to wonder how much difference there is between brands, but a common theme that makes sense is this: they all claim to work better if you reduce your intake of fried foods and starches - foods that 'gum up the works' like bread and cheese - and concentrate on fruits, vegetables and other foods that are raw or high in fiber content. They also encourage you to stay away from sugar, caffiene and alcohol.

Today was my first day and I started off ok in the morning, but before the day was done I gave in to a craving for french fries (fried starch, no less) and I found a Snickers bar while cleaning up (it was at the bottom of a basket of clothes - go figure - I don't even remember buying it, but it couldn't have been more than 2 months ago - a little behind on folding the laundry - yeah....).

Anyhow, I felt like I had four options 1)Put it in the freezer and save it for later when the cleanse is done. 2) Eat part of it now. 3) Eat all of it now. 4) Throw it away.

If I put it in the freezer I felt I ran the risk of breaking down and eating it somewhere in the middle of the cleanse. Better to 'set myself back' at the very beginning than somewhere in the middle, right?

I chose 2) eat part of it now...which became 3) eat all of it now. But then it was gone and could no longer tempt me.

I know, such unhealthy patterns of thinking have gotten me exactly where I am today.

That is why I am trying to blog about it, in the hopes that seeing it in writing and knowing that others are reading it will help me to reset my thought patterns.

We'll see...

As for the cleanse, I did follow the regimen of taking the pills and drinking the water as directed.

You never see results the first day anyhow. It's just a foundational sort of thing.

Is Colon Detox Hype?

2008-10-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Have any of you seen that infomercial, "Is Colon Detox Hype?"

As is the nature of infomercials, it comes on in the wee small hours of the morning.

I've seen it many times and for months now. Haven't watched it all the way through, mind you, only flipped through and listened briefly to parts 2 and 3 minutes at a time. Also the nature of infomercials.

Come to think of it, I probably saw it for the first time 2 years ago.

Well, back at the beginning of August I actually went so far as to log-on to the website to see how much it costs. It was in the neighborhood of $150. So I said to myself: No. Not at this time.

I have tried various cleanses and detox programs over the years and all of them work to varying degrees which are mostly dependent on how closely you follow the instructions.

I've found that powders you mix in drinks are usually more immediately effective than pills, but pills are easier to take and more portable, so that's a trade-off you make. Even though I like the more instant effect of powder-based programs, they are a pain on account of the convenience issue and they never taste good!

So... as much as I value the effects, I never complete a 30-day program because I give up on account of one or both of those factors. (Convenience/portability and taste/thickness.)

I saw the infomercial again about three weeks ago and decided to call.

You know they always say you'll get some special price if you call now!

So I did.

It was probably 3 am and the order-taker I spoke to had a bad attitude and would not divert from her script. All I wanted to know was the special price and she insisted in trying to take me through a series of questions about whether I wanted weight loss and how much and if I'd ever tried to detox before - yada-yada-blah-blah.

When I finally got her to tell me the 'special' price - it was exactly the same price listed on the website. Not special at all!

I was completely fed up, so I promptly hung up!

And that was the end of that. (Or so I thought.)

Roughly a week later I got a call around 7 pm from a friendly sales rep. She asked if I had called recently and what had been my experience and why I hadn't ordered.

I explained that the combination of bad customer service and lack of special had completely turned me off.

I have to give my girl Jennifer her props and the company as well for having a good follow up program.

She offered me the same original package for $50 off and threw in some freebies. She listened respectfully to my complaints. She stayed on the phone with me for about 15 minutes and answered all of my very detailed and somewhat repetitive questions. It was an entirely pleasant experience and I placed an order at the end of the call.

It finally came today! (I say that like it's been a long time. It hasn't. I'd say 7 - 14 days. I can't remember when I placed the order - oh, wait - it's on the invoice: 9/18, so, yeah - two weeks.)

You take the pills with meals - breakfast, lunch or dinner - pretty much whichever two of those three works for you. The kit came this afternoon around 4 pm, so I'm going to start fresh with breakfast in the morning.

This is merely one element of my new eating and exercise plan.

I'm going to try harder to stick to the plan and put forth more effort to blog about it regularly, but y'all know me. We'll see how it goes....

Cooper River Bridge Run 2009

2008-09-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

I was just in Charleston over the weekend and I had a wonderful time. I want a reason to go back.

I have a friend who does the Cooper River Bridge Run every year. It's a 10K. And next year it takes place at the beginning of April, which gives me just about 6 months to train for it if I start now.

It was kind of knocking around in my head as something I might want to try, but I was reluctant to commit even in my own mind and I was really reluctant to post about it.

Y'all remember that half-marathon I was supposed to train for a year ago? Um, yeah...that didn't happen at all.

Once I began looking into starting my business, I totally fell off the wagon. All attempts at training fell entirely by the wayside. And I am so ashamed.

However, today I read this blog entry by Southern Girl and I have to say that it has really inspired me.

I'm a few steps closer to committing to it. I appreciate the link she included with the training suggestions. It's called the Couch-to-5K Running Plan.

Big Loser

2008-09-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

In general, I am not a fan of reality television... no judgements against those who are really into it - it just isn't my thing.

But I am fascinated by The Biggest Loser.

I loved the show even when I wasn't fat myself and hadn't struggled with my weight. I just found it inspiring that people could work so hard and consistently lose so much weight week after week.

Like all such shows there is an element of unreality and manufactured drama, but it's okay. That is part of what makes us watch and keeps us coming back week after week.

Last year I watched the fall season. I hoped it would help motivate me. After all - some of the contestants had 100 - 200 lbs to lose. I only had 40 - 50. If they could do it in three months, why couldn't I?

Well... we won't talk about why I didn't.

This year we'll talk about why I will and how I did it.

Yep...trying this again...

I started this blog 13 months ago and I haven't achieved success. In fact, I gained 45 lbs.

I went for a physical the day after my birthday (8/10) and I stepped on the scale. To my shock and horror, I watched as the scale calculated 191 lbs!

We won't talk about how that made me feel.

But I haven't given up. I'm not sure I'm at the commitment level I need to get the results I want, but I am ready to start again.

Stay tuned.

Half-@$$ed Book

2008-05-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

More bad language!...sigh... I can't get away from it. It's everywhere in the weight-loss world - pardon - book world. I suppose it's the latest way to try to seem catchy and edgy and to set oneself apart - except - everyone is doing it.

But I'm not going to get on my little soap box about it, lest I seem over-pious.

Anyway, while visiting 'The Skinny' - one of my new favorite blogs - I saw this post announcing an interview. Coming soon: The Skinny interview with Half-Assed author Jennette Fulda. It's a short, but interesting post that has footage from an interview she did on The Today Show

Jennette lost 200 lbs. A noteworthy achievement. And she is another blogger-turned-author.

I haven't bought the book and at present I have no plans to read it, but I have enjoyed my few visits to her blog www.pastaqueen.com.

Gail Gedan Spencer. co-author of 'The Skinny' did a follow-up interview as promised a week ago. Click here for The Skinny Interview.

I can identify with several things she says in both the television interview and the e-mail interview. 1) The denial factor. 2) That blogging, when done faithfully, does keep you accountable. And 3) Once you've been significantly overweight, you have to accept the fact that maintenance is probably going to be a lifelong struggle.

She says, "I think maintenance is the hardest part of weight loss. We’ve probably all heard stories of people who’ve lost a lot of weight and gained it back. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to overcome any obstacles or struggles that might cause the weight to creep back on. Even when you lose a lot of weight, it’s never really over. You have to earn a healthy body every day for the rest of your life."

I believe that's true.

I've known since I was a pre-teen that I had tendencies toward addiction, and so I was vigilant about not experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and other addictive substances and practices. (We won't talk about the shopping - that is a whole other story...and I am not gonna go there!)

Somehow, I always managed to steer clear of food addictions. There were brief periods in my life when I would overeat for about 5 days and gain 5 - 7 pounds, but then I would level out, tighten up, exercise, and get a handle on whatever was causing me to stress-out and adopt the self-destructive behavior.

But this time things were different and I just spiraled out of control. So here I find myself, trying desperately to get a grip and just plain do better.

After a year of living dangerously, dietetically speaking, I realize that I need to reset my brain and my body chemistry. And that it won't happen overnight. And that it won't be over once I reach my target weight.

When I get my good body back, I will never be able to take it for granted again. I will have to be conscious about the choices I make. Every hour of every day for the rest of my life.

...sigh...seems so daunting...

Denial

2008-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Denial will do you in every time!

There was one part of my brain where I was just not thinking about it. How fat I was getting. How awful I felt all the time. How bad I looked in my clothes.

It was like I just couldn't process it.

Even though it was with me every waking moment somehow I just tuned it out. I almost had to. Otherwise the dissatisfaction would have driven me to distraction.

Not action, just hopelessness and despair....Oh, wait... I lived there for a while, too.

Sitting around the house in sweat pants and a t-shirt you don't have to think about it, but the moment you want to leave the house - for anything - it becomes a problem.

What to wear to the grocery store? What to wear to the business meeting? What to wear to a party or concert?

Nothing looks good.

Nothing.

And I would tell myself: remember this.

Remember this frustration the next time you want an order of french fries or a slice of cheesecake.

Yet somehow, the denial won out every single time.

Some part of me would say: "Ok, just this last time. And I will start my new eating plan tomorrow." Or, "I'm going to swear off sugar and starches completely - indefinitely - so I can have this today because the weight will just melt away when I give it all up for good!"

Ah...the lies we tell ourselves, right?

Skinny B*tch

2008-05-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

The complete title is: Skinny Bitch : A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous. And today I walked into my local Barnes and Noble and plunked down $13.95 to purchase my very own copy.

(Note: Everyone who knows me personally knows that I am patently against use of the 'B' word and curse words in general. I make it a point not to use expletives in my every day speech - not even when I'm really angry. And that's part of the reason I avoided reading the book until now. It is literally dripping with foul language...part of the no-nonsense and tough love, I suppose.

Before you rush out and buy it, take that under advisement. There is hardly a page and nary a chapter where the authors don't assault you with some form of crude language about the junk we put in our bodies and the terrible havoc it wreaks on our health.

If you are easily offended or have religious convictions about cursing, I recommend you skip this book altogether...)

Now...having run my disclaimer...it is exactly what I needed.

A friend told me about this book six months ago.

I know. I know. It isn't a new book. It debuted in late 2005.

The authors were all over the talk shows and all over the Internet, but it was barely a blip on my radar. Another one of those pop culture crazes like 'He's Just Not That Into You', which also held no interest for me because I was in a committed long-term relationship.

In 2005, I weighed 105 lbs and really didn't think things would ever change. After all, I was 28 and fairly healthy and happy. Why would they? I thought if I had any tendencies toward obesity they would have presented themselves already and since they had not, I thought I was 'safe'.

Back to the book: Contrary to what the title suggests, the book isn't really about being skinny or bitchy, but mainly about trying to make healthy food choices. The authors say this, "A Skinny Bitch is someone who enjoys food, eats well, and loves her body as a result. It has nothing to do with how much you weigh or what size you are! Skinny Bitches come in all beautiful shapes and sizes!"

Now, I know it makes good marketing and pr sense to make generic, feel-good statements that are sweet and all-inclusive that way. However, if you do happen to read the book you can tell that healthy eating and clean living is the main goal and getting skinny is the by-product and side-effect, as it were.

I am hesitant to give a hearty endorsement to the book on account of the language and the fact that the authors make some pretty controversial statements about a lot of mainstream products and practices. Nonetheless, it contains a lot of facts I needed to be reminded of.

Laura Kelly, co-author of 'The Skinny' said exactly what I was thinking in an interview with 'SB' author Rory Freedman. She writes, "I see your book as a cautionary tale akin to Fast Food Nation and Super-Size Me. Something to pull out and re-read whenever the urge strikes for a bacon double cheeseburger and fries."

Let's all be honest. There is no way not to know that fast food is bad for you and will make you fat as will the habitual consumption of processed foods, pre-packaged convenience/snacks/junk food, as will constantly eating out, as will lack of exercise.

But it's like those V-8 commercials. Sometimes you need someone to give you a pop upside the head.

Sometimes you need to be confronted with the ugly truth of why 'sugar is the devil' and 'soda is liquid satan'.

It's funny how having those trite irreverent phrases in your consciousness makes it just a little easier not to reach for the candy bar or the coke while waiting in line at the grocery store.

And behind the cheeky little catch phrases there are facts about why certain foods are bad for you, but alas, there is where the book becomes most controversial. (Aside from the fact that these two women who look so cultured and refined in the jacket photo swear like sailors...) They attack meat and dairy unmercifully. And sugar. And diet sodas. And artificial sweeteners. And white bread. And white rice. And just about everything we eat in America.

They quote from other health food books and studies done by naturopathic and homeopathic doctors. And many people dismiss such findings and conclusions as pseudo-scientific quack-talk. I don't buy into every single thing they say, but there is a lot of truth in it.

I love how the book begins, "Are you sick and tired of being fat? Good. If you can't take one more day of self-loathing, you're ready to get skinny....You just need to smarten up and use your head, so that you can make intelligent and educated decisions for yourself...This knowledge will empower you.

This is not a diet. This is a way of life. A way to enjoy food. A way to feel healthy, clean, energized and pure. It's time to reclaim your mind and body..."

Amen, sisters!...Preach.

If you're on the fence about the book, at the very least check out Rory's interview with Laura Kelly on 'The Skinny'.

What's the Skinny Now?

2008-05-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

180.0

So...it's been 10 weeks since my last confession - ahem - post.

You might think I had time to have lost 10 or 15 pounds since then, right?

Or perhaps you guessed that I hadn't posted because things were not going well.

SSDD.

Really. I'm not getting enough sleep. Not getting any exercise. Eating absolutely all of the wrong foods every single day. Eating right before bed time. Eating in the middle of the night. Literally.

Sometimes I'll go to bed, wake up at 2 or 3 to go to the bathroom and eat ice cream or some other junk or, like, a tv dinner in the middle of the night.

I don't care what the box says ... it is not a healthy choice if you eat it at 2:30 a.m and go back to sleep.

It's awful! The thing that makes me most angry with myself is that I know better! I know better than to do any and all of these things and yet somehow on some level I find myself powerless to break the cycle of bad habits.

I've been really stressed and a lot of it is emotional eating, but I also know there is a physical trigger. I totally need to detox. I know my body chemistry and hormones and pH balance and everything are all out of whack. I can feel it. I won't even talk about the current state of my colon.

I know - know - that the sluggishness and fatigue I am feeling go back to that. And it's keeping my body from absorbing nutrients like it should. Which is causing me to overeat and have crazy cravings for sugar and carbs.

Everyone knows that lack of sleep contributes to weight gain in several ways. 1) You're too tired to exercise. 2) The more hours you spend awake and alert and active, the more time you have to feel like you need to eat. And 3) the body also interprets lack of sleep as starvation for some odd reason and hangs on to its food stores and pads them about the stomach and thighs - go figure!

I'm drinking maybe 16 ounces of water on a good day. That's no good.

Yep.

Doing. Everything. Wrong.

I'm not just unhappy anymore.

I am officially 75 lbs over-weight and have long since crossed the threshold of 'a little chubby' and made my way actually to that place called 'obese.'

I have all kinds of stretch marks and cellulite and I am praying that they will go away with diet and exercise.

So, like I said, I am not just unhappy, I am really, truly unhealthy.

I feel like I am killing myself slowly.

I know that if I don't make changes and soon I will be setting myself up for all sorts if maladies: hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, cancer...

Plus, I just plain don't feel well. How could I with all of those bad habits?! It's a good thing I don't smoke or drink - I think I might have keeled over already.

In any case, my quality of life has fallen off considerably. I get winded walking up stairs and around the mall. Although I hardly go there any more because it is depressing looking at all of the cute clothes I can't wear.

We won't even talk about how it has affected my sense of style. I've taken to wearing flat shoes most of the time because I feel so heavy I feel like I will fall at the worst and at the least roll my ankle and give myself a bad sprain. My center of gravity and sense of balance are both off. And I feel frumpy and dumpy in everything.

I've even stopped wearing make-up and tweezing my brows.

It's not that I don't care.

It just takes so much effort...and I still feel completely unattractive no matter what clothes and accessories and cosmetics I'm wearing because there is no hiding the fact that I'm fat.

People who didn't know me a year or two ago don't know that I haven't always looked like this, but every time I see people who did, I see pity in their eyes. I really do.

I know everyone thinks I've let myself go. And I'm sure they wonder why.

I look into the eyes of friends and acquaintances and see the question: what happened? And the thought: what a shame.

I don't think it's my imagination.

I wrote my last post with so much conviction. I cannot believe that it translated into so little action.

...sigh...

I'm So Over It!

2008-03-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

175.0

Wow! It's been three whole months since I posted!

I did not know it had been that long.

Why have I been away?

I have been totally immersed in everything to do with the start-up of my business and I have totally neglected the weight loss efforts. I haven't even stepped on a scale because I knew - knew - I had gained even more weight.

I could guess what the numbers were and simply could not bring myself to stand there and get confirmation of my biggest fears.

I remember how miserably unhappy I was a year ago when I weighed in at a whopping 135!

My favorite jeans didn't fit right and my cute little sweaters were too tight.

Twelve months have passed and what I wouldn't give to see the 130s again! I never imagined my body would look like it does right now.

But last night I had a moment.

I looked in the mirror and I thought about all of the things that caused me to eat foods I shouldn't, cease to exercise, and neglect myself and my health in general and I just thought: I am so over it!

I'm over beating myself up about what I did and didn't do. I'm over being unhappy about how I look in my clothes. I'm over being uncomfortable in my skin and feeling like I'm walking around wearing a fat suit. I'm over wanting instant results. I'm over trying to be someone I'm not.

And for the first time since I talked about starting my weight loss journey, I believe I'm actually going to see some real results - because I'm done trying to lose the weight for superficial reasons and I finally addressed most of the issues that were at the heart of my weight gain.

Desperate Times...Desperate Measures

2007-12-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

Okay...I absolutely have to blog about this for all my sisters in the struggle...

Has anyone else read the book 21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox, by Roni DeLuz?

It was published in May of this year and got lots of exposure on women's shows and in magazines. DeLuz was on The View and Extra. She received quite a bit of publicity when she worked with Robin Quivers (Howard Stern's co-host).

Now...all of this passed me by. I happened to see the book when I was in Barnes and Noble browsing last July. It caught my eye because 21 pounds in 21 days is quite a promise! As I have mentioned before, each time I gained this weight - 15 lbs and then 15 lbs again - it happened extremely quickly (within 7 - 10 days). Which I think is extremely unnatural for someone of my size and former weight and habits. Because this was so discouraging, I have wanted to lose the weight as quickly as I possibly could and still do it safely, without starving my body and getting into that unhealthy eating disorder zone.

I have been known to lose 15 lbs in as little as 10 days...so I know it can be done...anyhow, I picked up the book - back then, in July - expecting it to be the same knowledge and sound bites you find in women's magazines (eat grapefruit, drink cranberry juice) repackaged and expanded upon to fill 200-odd pages. I had no intention of buying it, but I did pick it up and flip through to see if there was anything novel about her approach.

I wanted to skim the diet plan and see what the recommended foods were. Well... I was quite surprised because the first hundred pages or so were actually educational. Although it has been marketed as a book that unlocks the secrets to quick weight loss (supposedly without feelings of deprivation), it is actually about cleansing your mind, body, and spirit and learning to be in tune with yourself - strengthening the mind/body connection through establishing various routines and disciplines.

I determined then that it would not be a quick read or a quick fix, and honestly, I knew I wasn't ready. I think I was still looking for a quick-fix and an easy out. She was preaching lifestyle changes and I was not ready to hear it. I was not ready to learn or make changes and all of it would have rolled off my consciousness like water off a duck's back.

But lately I have been feeling extremely unwell and not just unhappy about my weight. I know everybody has been like: hey, cheer up, you'll do fine, exercise, eat right and the weight will come off. I have conveyed so much of my unhappiness about the way I look, I don 't think anyone understands (because I didn't express it clearly, I am sure) how much of my unhappiness is about the way I feel.

I feel sluggish and tired. My circulation has gone to pot. I used to be able to sit cross-legged for hours (not that one should), but now, I can sit cross-legged or with one leg under the other for 10 minutes and the leg falls asleep to the point where I have to stand without moving for nearly a minute waiting for the blood and feeling to return so that I can walk on it without having it buckle under me. I am experiencing other symptoms that make me feel like I am dangerously close to being pre-diabetic and I know that I am on the path to obesity and the myriad health problems that accompany it.

So...as unhappy as I am about the way I look, I am actually much more concerned about the way I feel...so unhealthy. I am desperate to turn it around.

I have blogged before about how angry I am with myself because I know better. I have done so many of the things that I know better than to do and I have forgotten how to live the routines that kept me healthier and consequentially thinner. Simple things like mindfulness when eating, so that I recognize when I am full and stop - whether or not it tastes good or my plate is still more than half full.

This book is good because it is reminding me of the things I used to know how to do. It is making me remember things I learned long ago about how the body works and why certain habits run contrary to healthful living and weight loss efforts.

DeLuz is a naturopathic doctor and writes extensively about the body's ability to heal and regulate itself. Her advice and methods are non-traditional to be sure, so it's not for everyone, but I think many of us with locks (and the subset that is inclined towards juicing and vegetarianism and raw/live foods) will find it a good read. Even those who are not may find it an interesting read whether or not you actually agree with her theories or can see yourself adopting the lifestyle she recommends.

I would really appreciate comments from anyone who has read the book already and would encourage anyone who has not (and is constantly struggling with dieting disappointments) to look it over.

As I was saying, back in July, I knew I wasn't ready for it, but I filed the title and concept away as something to revisit later. Well, last week I decided the time had come, so I bought it on Sunday. I am only on page 70 so far, but I am really enjoying it. I will continue to blog about my impressions (which may change) and my success (or lack thereof) in following the detox regimen.

Update

2007-11-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

163

What?!?!

I know. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I have a month's worth of unpublished posts sitting in draft that somewhat explain what happened...as much as I understand it myself. I haven't decided whether or not I will post them because they are so full of negativity.

I wrote what I felt as I felt it, like I do in my personal journal, but on the re-read they made me feel very sad. Sadder than I felt when I wrote them.

I realized months ago that I had fallen into a terrible pattern of emotional eating and making bad choices on account of feeling unhappy about things I thought I should be able to control. I felt a certain amount of powerlessness.

I was legitimately tired and distracted. And so I gained weight. And then I was unhappy about the way I looked. And then I ate - either more than I should have or something more fattening than I should have, on the "might as well" principle, coupled with the "I'll do better tomorrow" lie.

"I've already eaten french fries today, so I might as well have two slices of cake with ice cream and chocolate syrup. Besides, I'll workout extra tomorrow and eat only salad to balance this out."

Whatever....

It so didn't happen that way. And day after day I made poor choices. I kept eating brownies and cheesecake and pie and fried food. And not exercising at all...I hate to think about it. And so now I am 15 lbs heavier than when I started this blog. And now I really, really do look fat.

Now I have almost 60 lbs to lose and I can't even wrap my mind around that number.

I feel like I am in someone else's body. Or like I am wearing a fat suit. I can't bend over to reach my toes as easily as I once could...my stomach is completely in the way. I have a gut I can actually rest my hands on when seated....And I hate my boobs. I feel like they must weigh 10 lbs each. I am wearing a 40 DD bra. I can put my head in one cup and wear it like a bonnet! (Really, I did this.) Fifteen lbs ago they were humongous, now they are gi-nor-mous and totally in the way all the time whatever I do. They are out of control!

I am totally embarrassed to go to the gym. I can't run. I can't find a sports bra that fits....I heard this phrase once that seems a perfectly accurate description...."like two cats fighting in a bag..." Yep. That's the visual. And it hurts!

Ninety minutes of exercise. At least 5 times a week. That is my new goal.

Last night I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I decided to go slow since it had been a while. I didn't want to wear myself out or get injured. So I only managed to walk 2 miles in that time. I did the same thing again this morning when I woke up. I plan to do another 45 tonight before bed.

I managed to work in some reps with light weights while watching television. I also did some stretching. As I started my workout this morning I had a recurring thought and it was this: more than anything I have to get out of the negative headspace that made me feel this way if I am going to lose the weight and feel better.

I have to stop hating my body and feeling unhappy.

...sigh...

I haven't dropped out, I promise!

2007-11-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hello All....I've been terribly busy and I've been writing but not posting because I need to proofread and clarify and edit and explain....New posts coming within the next two weeks (Okay, honestly, it might be Thanksgiving weekend by the time I get it together!)....Lots going on with me off-line again....Job changes...life changes...the usual things that get us off track and keep us struggling.

Thanks for continuing to stop by and check on me. I also really appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement and support! I've had a few significant setbacks, which I intend to be very candid about, but I am still plugging away.

More to come...

Thursday

2007-09-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

145.0!

I'm very happy. I haven't seen 145 in about 2 months. 140....here I come!

Wednesday

2007-09-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

147.5

Tuesday

2007-09-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

151.5

Monday

2007-09-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

150.5

Sunday

2007-09-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

150.5

Watching and Weighting...

2007-09-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

151.5

Whew!

Nothing lost, but nothing gained, surprisingly.

Several people have commented on the fact that I weigh myself daily.

It isn't obsessive or a nuisance or anything else negative.

Nor does it spring from special bravery or determination.

As I said in the beginning, I rarely stepped on a scale when I was happy with the way I looked in my clothes. When I was thinner I never monitored my weight except by how my clothes fit. If things felt a little snug, I would step on a scale to see how much I weighed to determine how much I needed to cut back and/or exercise and then I would go back to ignoring it again. I suppose I would step on it every two or three weeks just out of curiosity, but no more often than that.

When I am trying to lose weight I do make it a habit to weigh myself daily. I keep that number in my head when I want to eat something I shouldn't. Either to say to myself: "Okay, you've lost 3 lbs since Tuesday. Don't eat that candy bar. It will set you back."

"Or, you're up 3 lbs since Tuesday. You can't afford to skip your workout today."

I think it is important to know if I've hit a plateau. Then I recognize that I need to change something else.

Weighing myself daily helps keep me on track and encourages me to develop routines and stay disciplined.

Someone suggested I track my progress using a tape measure, instead. Personally, I find those numbers to be far more discouraging than the numbers on the scale. I don't even want to know the circumference of my thighs or of my arms. I don't want to know exactly how many inches it is around my abdomen or my hips. I can look in the mirror when I step out of the shower and tell, whatever it is, it's too much! And that's enough....

I will know I am back to the right measurements when my clothes fit again.

I ate my second egg roll from the other night for breakfast. I know, not the best choice, but it was good....and around noon I had about half a cup of steamed rice (also left over from my chinese indulgence Thursday). Some time during the day I drank the second half of my smoothie from yesterday.

I'm big on eating leftovers. I've never eaten 'regular' sized portions my entire life. I'm a small person and I've always had a small appetite. Typically, when I eat at a restaurant or order take-out, I make it last for three meals. I never order anything that won't keep or reheat well because I know I won't eat everything in one sitting and I hate to waste food.

So...Don't worry about me when you read about me eating something like rice and that's all for my meal. I'm not starving myself for weight loss. It really is how I've always eaten.

I am certain that my weight gain came from eating one thing that was high in calories. Like a 600 calorie slice of cake instead of dinner or a loaded baked potato instead of a balanced meal with other vegetables.

It never affected my waistline when I did that once in a while (maybe once a month?), but I got into the habit of doing it 3 or 4 times a week. That new bad habit in combination with total lack of exercise and I just really started to spread...

For dinner I had a soup and a salad again. And that was my final meal for the day.

I am trying to follow the advice of Nappy Texan Girl and not eat anything after 7pm. I have heard that before, but I've never made a conscious effort to stick to it, and, like I said before, my work schedule sometimes makes it impossible for me to squeeze in a real meal before that time.

I am really not big on meal replacement bars and shakes designed to eat on the go for times like those, but if I'm serious about the weight loss (again I say, 40 lbs in 4 months) I might have to suck it up and make the sacrifice.

I guess I could do it once or twice a week.

...sigh...

Still planning for the business. I wanted to get out early in the day and go for a walk, but I spent most of the day brainstorming and researching, and then it was time to prepare dinner and clean my kitchen. And then it was almost dark!

The days are shortening quickly!

So, I headed out into the neighborhood for a 20 minute stroll. Since I knew I didn't have much time, I decided to make up for distance with intensity. It was only one mile, but it felt like three!There is a part of my neighborhood that has hills like San Francisco. (I have hitherto avoided those streets. I just wasn't ready.) Today, however, I decided to take them on.

Whew! Those hills kicked my butt! But that's what I needed.

I can already tell I am gaining strength in my arms. The reps are getting easier, but they are still challenging, especially in combination with pulling steep hills. I walked a 25- minute mile. Not impressive at all, even accounting for the steep grades I encountered, but I have to remind myself that I am starting over from a totally sedentary lifestyle and I have never been athletic or particularly well-conditioned for aerobic exercise.

But all of that is about to change.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am just beginning this weight-loss/get-fit/ lifestyle-change journey. The most important thing right now is not that I get dramatic overnight results, but that I have started and that I continue.

Even when - especially when - I fall off the wagon and have to get back on.

So, I'm not even back at 147 yet...sigh..., but, considering the cheating I did two days in a row, I'm pretty proud that I'm already back down to 151... It could be worse...that's how I gotta look at it.

....Really Off the Wagon

2007-09-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

151.5 when I woke up...

I'm not really sure about the psychology of it. I don't know if, because of yesterday, I was just like, "oh well...might as well", or I was just feeling lazy or what. But today I really broke the rules!

I slept until the last possible moment this morning because I woke up at 3:30 am (don't ask...you all are going to be convinced that I am a total insomniac after following this blog) and didn't get to sleep again until 7 am and had to be to work at 8:30. Why bother sleeping at all, right?

I was totally in bed until 8:15! Good thing I'm 10 minutes from work, right?

I threw on some clothes, slapped my hair in a bun, and headed out the door at 8:25. Really.

Even though I totally didn't have time for it, I stopped at the corner and bought a large coffee, loaded it with way too much cream and sugar and bought a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. I know...it's shameful and that's not even all.

Dad has been wanting to take me out to lunch and I've been turning him down on account of the supposed diet. I really wanted to go, but I was trying to be good. After yesterday and this morning, I was really just like: screw it! Sure! Let's eat!

We went to a Mediterranean restaurant. I was looking at the menu and I was torn. There were several nearly guilt-free choices. The vegetarian platter with hummus, spinach, mushrooms, olives, and tomatoes served with grilled pita bread looked really, really good. Part of me really wanted that.

But, then...I have this thing for kabobs....

On the menu there was a beef kabob that came with rice pilaf. Now, I knew what I should order, but did I?

Not at all.

I did request the grilled vegetables from the vegetarian platter on the side, and they were really good. As was the kabob, but I have not been eating beef and it kind of laid in my stomach like a rock and made me feel sluggish. I was unhappy later and not on account of the potential weight gain. It just didn't sit well. Let that be a lesson to me, right?

But that's not all.

Dad ordered key lime pie for dessert. I don't even like key lime pie that much. I never buy it out because a lot of restaurants serve something that seems like they made it from a Jello mix. Not worth it.

So...his pie comes out and he's really enjoying it, and I ask for a bite.

It was looking so appetizing, sitting there on the plate drizzled with raspberry, caramel, and chocolate sauces...mmmm....

It is the best key lime pie I have ever tasted.

Really, not just because it was forbidden.

It is one of my father's favorites and he orders it often and he said it was the best he'd had in years. I lusted after his until it was gone....fighting the impulse to order my own slice.

....And then I gave into temptation....

It was so very, very good. It was so good, I didn't even feel guilty.

I did decide on the spot that I would have to go super-light at dinner.

I went for an in-between retite this evening and there is a GNC up the street from my consultant's house. I ordered a 20 oz. smoothie and drank half. That was essentially my dinner.

I did a lot of running around (driving, actually), scouting locations. By the time I got home it was dark and I was tired. No exercise today.

I am in fear of what the scale will say tomorrow.

Off the Wagon...

2007-09-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

150.5

So the day started out well. I had a granola bar and yogurt for breakfast, and a nice salad for lunch, but, here's what happened....

I signed up to proctor a practice LSAT for the test prep company from 6 - 10pm. In the meantime, my co-worker got word that her mother in Florida was dying, so that meant I had to work from 7:30 to 5 at the real estate school....Yep, essentially a 15 hour day.

I packed a sensible breakfast and lunch and planned to buy dinner at a healthy restaurant on the college campus. Well...I got there and found that said restaurant closes at 2 pm. It was 5:30. I'd only ever been there for breakfast and lunch, so I had no idea....never paid attention to the hours of operation. I had a coupon and everything. I had really been looking forward to it and was quite disappointed.

So...my new options were burger and fries or chinese take-out.

I went for the chinese takeout, regretfully. I ordered sweet and sour chicken with fried rice and two egg rolls. I know. I know. Even at a chinese restaurant, I could have ordered something that was not fried and vegetarian. I used the fact that the healthy choice restaurant was closed as an excuse to cheat and I totally own up to that.

So... I ate something fried and I ate meat, and I felt guilty the entire time....but it was good.

Y'all know what I mean...Sometimes you cheat and you feel that much worse because the food isn't even that special. Who ever broke down and bought french fries, but they were soggy or too salty or rubbery and you couldn't even enjoy them but you ate them anyway because they were there...? Or whatever you ordered was just not fresh or well-seasoned.

My sweet and sour chicken was perfection! It was hot and fresh and delicious and if I was going to cheat with chicken and rice, it was totally worth it.

And here's what else...I was at Furman University. It is a beautiful campus that is designed for walking. You can't drive around if you want to - only on the perimeter. Well, I managed to keep forgetting things at my car that was an 8 minute walk from the classroom where I was proctoring. (I'm still not sure if I was subconsciously trying to compensate for the cheating or if I was really just that absent-minded. I am a little sleep-deprived this week.)

Anyway, I made the trip a total of 4 times. And I did decide to power walk it, partly to make it count and partly because I had time constraints. So, even though it wasn't planned or structured exercise, I did walk for 32 minutes today! We also got several big deliveries at work, so I spent a lot of time lifting and bending and streching and hauling...things I do not ordinarily do. I suppose it has to count for something.

Nothing New to Report

2007-09-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

150.5

It was a long day. Errands, research, prepping lesson plans all morning. Meetings all afternoon. Tutoring student from 5 - 7 pm, more meetings from 7:30 - 9:15...whew! Didn't feel like exercise when I got home, only bed, especially since I have to open the office at 7:30 tomorrow morning...sigh...

Once I do begin my marathon training in earnest, I am going to have to get over that. I am going to have to get up early and hit the treadmill or hit it for the allotted time no matter how late it is. That's kind of why I'm cutting myself some slack this week, because come October 1st, it's on!

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2007-09-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

149.5

Walked 2.25 miles today.

I forgot how much I like my neighborhood! I have been living indoors for the last two years. Between the heat and my work schedule I just haven't been out, but one of the reasons I bought my house was the neighborhood.

I wasn't crazy about the house. It still needs work from the standpoint of curb appeal. Lots! There are so many things I want to do to the front yard and the facade of the house. I have a file folder full of drawings and sketches and a little big book of dreams...but that is another story.

It's funny. Long before I bought my house I use to drive by it and think: that house is kind of ugly. It's not especially ugly. And it's not even particularly plain. But it could be more than it is. It needs a makeover.

It was built in 1971 and it's got a split foyer. Enough said?

Perhaps I will win the HGTV $100,000 Great Fall Fix-Up Sweepstakes and get the opportunity to make all of my remodeling dreams come true. Otherwise I will have to do a little at a time as I get the money.

But I was saying...what convinced me to give the house a look, other than the fact that the price was right, was the neighborhood. It's a very nice neighborhood with lots of families and young couples, but there is also a mix of older couples and single retirees who have been here for years. There are people who garden, really garden...I mean they grow vegetables and eat them!

At any time of day - from first light until dark - you will see joggers and people walking their dogs, children on bikes. I feel really safe here. With the exception of living in the city center where there are fabulous lofts, condos, and townhouses, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in this town.

I am five minutes from everything! The mall. Downtown. Two different movie theaters. Every major grocery store chain in the local market. Every bank. Every car dealership. It's ten minutes to any kind of restaurant offering every type of cuisine. For as long as I live in this city, I never want to live anywhere else.

I was thinking this as I walked around today.

It doesn't hurt that I had my house appraised last week and found out that it is worth a significant amount more than what I bought it for 6 years ago and almost double what I currently owe on the mortgage. Score! Cha-CHING!!!

I needed some good news and something to be happy about.

So...I made a smoothie for breakfast and got too busy to drink it, so my first real meal was around 10:30. I had stuffed peppers again. I was at home today because, as some of you know, I am trying to start my own business, although I am being rather hush-hush about the details for now. I spend a lot of time doing research and working on my business plan and marketing strategies, etc....

I had a meeting at 2:00 and before I knew it, it was 3:30 and I was hungry and nowhere near home. (Actually, as I said before, I am literally 5 minutes from everywhere - but I still had about an hour and a half of errands to run before it was sensible for me to go home!)

I really did want to come home and make myself a really good Greek salad. I actually found myself fantasizing about it while I was in my meeting, so I was very hungry when I got out.

I needed to go to the grocery store. I stopped by the deli and looked longingly at the chicken tenders. (I love chicken tenders with honey mustard sauce. They are one of my guiltiest pleasures.) And cajun-flavored chicken wings. And bratwurst in sauerkraut. And green beans and fried okra. And southern-style macaroni and cheese....Yum!

I gazed at it all, face pressed against the glass (metaphorically) for a long while, willing myself not to give in to temptation. I did need to eat something, though.

I ordered a meatless sub on whole wheat. Provolone, tomatoes, olives, onions, oil and vinegar. It was filling. I threw away about 1/3 of the bread, or, rather, walked downtown to the park and fed my scraps to the ducks and geese who live on the river.

Even when I'm not trying to cut calories, I tend to have trouble getting enough protein in my diet. I'm just in the habit of eating foods that aren't high in protein, so when I go meatless, I really have to make an effort to get enough.

About two years ago my ex-boyfriend turned me on to drinks by Bolthouse Farms. They make several varieties of 'all-natural' and 'no sugar added' smoothie type drinks and fruit juices blended with vegetable juices and various exotic purees. IMO nothing you buy in a bottle holds a candle to what you can make with your own juicer or blender if you know what you're doing or if you go to a really good juice bar, but they're pretty respectable.

I love gourmet coffees (really, it's related) and they make a drink called 'Perfectly Protein'. One flavor it comes in is Mocha Cappuccino. They also make a vanilla chai and a hazelnut latte, but the mocha is my favorite. One serving has 180 calories (but only 20 of them are fat calories) and 10 grams of protein. So I treat myself to one of those every once in a while instead of an iced mochaccino with whipped cream and, like, 600 calories.

Today I treated myself to one.

My Dad went walking with me. He used to walk 5 - 8 miles a day well into his late 60s. And before that he was a long-distance runner. And before that he was in the air force. (He is now 73 and is just recovering from a recent bout with cancer, so he's just getting back into it.) He is still in pretty good shape for an old man, and he's a whole foot taller than I am (longer legs) so I really had to hustle to keep up with him.

He actually did pull away from me in the last block and a half before we got to the house. (He's got quite the competitive streak, and I just didn't care enough to hurt myself trying to beat him, so I graciously 'let' him win...*wink, wink*) But it was a fun way to spend the evening.

For dinner I had a cup of soup, and have been nursing the smoothie from this morning for the last couple of hours. Yes, periodically, I refrigerate it. I'm downstairs in my den. I don't know what I would do without my wet bar and mini-fridge. Walk upstairs to the kitchen? 'Course not. Drink a lukewarm smoothie? Probably.

And I wonder how I gained 4o lbs.? Actually, no, I don't.

Anyway, I'm having fun keeping the weight-loss blog now that I am actually making a little progress. I think I will be able to post daily.

I was so much more out of shape than I realized and I just didn't have the right mindset when I started. I am still going to train for the half-marathon, but I just wasn't ready for it when I first made the grand declaration that I was going to do it.

I am giving myself the rest of this week and next week to ease back into healthier eating habits and exercise before I start training for the marathon in earnest. I am taking vitamins and supplements again. When I first started back in August (or rather tried to start), I didn't have the energy I needed to follow-through, or the proper mental focus. Now I'm giving myself (and my body) the time I need to make the mental and physical adjustments. And the blogging is helping.

It's like keeping a weight loss diary. Keeping a written one that only I would read is just a really solitary and boring prospect. This has the potential to be so much more dynamic and interactive, so I am really looking forward to that.

Since I am posting every day, I know every post won't be entertaining or profound, but I do hope you enjoy following my journey. And maybe somewhere along the way I will say something that helps or encourages a sister who's struggling too.

Thanks for stopping by!

Up All Night...

2007-09-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

149.0

No exercise today either. I was up most of the night...lots of stuff on my mind. Couldn't get to sleep until about 5 a.m., had to be at the office at 7:30 a.m....Yeah, that was fun!

When I got home I was pretty wiped out and I slept most of the evening.

I did manage to eat healthy, although my meals were a little turned around today.

I ate a cup of soup for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a granola bar and yogurt for dinner. I snacked on ranch flavored mini rice cakes.

Dangling Carrots

2007-09-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

150.0

I would have liked to exercise today. I'm teaching a class on Sundays from 4:00 - 6:30. I dislike it because of the time. It's awkward for dinner. I attend religious services from 1:00 to 3:00, which is also awkward for lunch. I don't really have an opportunity to sit down and have a home-cooked meal on Sundays.

I had a smoothie again for breakfast and the same omelet for brunch. I can eat the same meal for two or three days in a row if it's something I like and not be bothered about the lack of variety. I'm weird like that, but it comes in rather handy when I am trying to cut calories. I don't have to keep coming up with new low-cal menus to stave off boredom.

I had soup for lunch and packed yogurt for a snack to eat during my 10 minute class break, but I was still very hungry when I got home. I ate a Lean Cuisine for dinner because I was too tired and hungry to cook anything fresh.

....and I'm Still feening for that chocolate cake!

I bought a mini-cake at the grocery store the other day before I recommitted to my weight-loss program. It's four servings and I ate one. 290 calories in a serving roughly the size of a cupcake. It was so rich and delicious...

I would absolutely love to have another piece right now, but what I decided to do the other day after the relapse where I bought it and ate the first piece was freeze it.

I've given myself four months to lose this 40 lbs.

I'm trying to go 30 days without giving in to my cravings for french fries, candy bars, doughnuts, ice cream, or cake. (There's a Krispy Kreme and a Dunkin' Donuts in walking distance of my house! KK makes the best glazed donuts in America and DD's cake donuts rule!) If - no, when I do - I will reward myself with one serving of cake at the end of 30 days.

It's my dangling carrot. When I want to give in to a craving, I will remind myself of my incentive and that I must earn it. It's not cheating if I earn it by watching what I eat and exercising and reaching my 30 day goal (10 lbs!). If I relax and treat myself that one day, then I won't feel so deprived, and since it will be only one rich dessert in one day out of 30, it shouldn't negatively impact my weight loss, and yet, it is a reward and something to look forward to.

I suppose I could have exercised today with the time I spent blogging, but it's Sunday and I want to be lazy and turn in early. I was up late last night/this morning ('til 5:30 a.m.), so I kind of need to go to bed now if I expect to be any good at work tomorrow morning.

Trying This Again....

2007-09-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

151.0

Walked 3 miles in the neighborhood today, again carrying 3 lb weights. This time I took a more challenging route with more hills and boy did I feel it! It took me an hour. It felt like a workout, especially since I didn't just carry the weights. I actually did bicep and tricep curls for most of the hour. I am particularly self-conscious about my arms. They have always been plump, but have gotten particularly wiggly-jiggly with the added weight.

I want to be able to go sleeveless again without a second thought!

I'm not much of a breakfast person. I never get hungry before 10:30 or 11:00 a.m., but I do realize that putting something in my stomach first thing in the morning is important. Especially since I am trying to lose weight. Plus, there are times when I get busy and don't get to have a real meal before 12:30 or 1 p.m., by which time I'm starving!

And that accounts for some of the times I make poor choices (like fast food and starchy/sugary snacks from vending machines).

The solution to not wanting to sit down and eat a 'real' breakfast, like cereal or oatmeal?

Smoothies!

My Dad used to make me smoothies for breakfast when I was little because I have never liked eating breakfast. But having smoothies was so akin to dessert and milkshakes that I always loved them! It was like having a special treat and breaking the rules every morning! Plus I simply love fruit and juice and yogurt! They're great individually and awesome together!

For years, I made my own every morning. I can't say why I got out of the habit.

So this morning I made myself a smoothie for breakfast. I've been making them for so long that don't really follow recipes. I throw in random combinations of whatever fruits and juices I have on hand. I always use soy milk and or yogurt and fresh fruit. One personal tip: I always use four or five frozen strawberries instead of ice cubes. They don't add much in the way of calories, but they do add flavor and texture while providing that refreshing smoothie slushiness.

I made myself a delicious 2-egg omelet with spinach for lunch. I crumbled about a tablespoon of feta cheese and half a garden burger into it. I made myself another smoothie in the afternoon, and had soup and salad for dinner, and a cup of lowfat strawberry yogurt for dessert.

No junk food. No fried food. No meat. No bread.

I still have no desire to give up my eggs and dairy, but I am really going to try to go 30 days without eating beef or pork. I will definitely eat fish and I'm on the fence about chicken. I'm leaning towards cutting it out too (shouldn't be that hard for 30 days, right?), but I'm not sure how well I'll be able to stick to that plan.

I haven't actually cooked chicken in a while. Every time I've eaten it, I've been out at a restaurant or gotten it as fast food (wings, or tenders, or somebody's patty-on-a-bun!) Since I won't be doing fast food, it might not be that hard. We'll see.

Oh! And I made sure to get my 8 glasses of water!

Got to get a handle on the sweet tooth!

2007-09-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

152.0

No exercise today. No good excuse. Just didn't.

Had a smoothie for breakfast and mid-afternoon snack, salad for lunch, and two stuffed peppers for dinner...but I cheated between my snack and dinner by eating a piece of chocolate layer cake....sigh....

Got to get a handle on the sweet tooth!

So It's True...

2007-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

152.5

Confession is good for the soul.

So...this afternoon I poured out my heart about how I was feeling about my definitely disheartening weight loss un-success. After that I spent a few hours feeling quite sorry for myself. This evening I trudged in from work around 7:00 pm hungry and wanting nothing more than to curl up on my couch and watch some sappy movie on Lifetime.

I started my period today which partially explains why I've been weepy and sad and my cravings have been out-of-control for the last 4 or 5 days. (Duh! I've been going through this for, like, 15 years and it still catches me by surprise some months!)

Fall is on its way, so the days are getting shorter, and yet, here in South Carolina, not significantly cooler. However, this evening it was about 78 degrees as opposed to the 85 and 90 degrees it has been even at sunset.

I decided that instead of eating dinner in front of the tv and sitting on my duff, I would venture out into the neighborhood for a walk. This in spite of the fact that I was tired and grumpy and crampy. And the sky looked like rain.

I changed quickly into my walking shoes, sports bra and t-shirt, grabbed 3-lb free weights and headed out the door. I simply had to turn my frustration and despair from earlier in the day into energy for positive change.

I chose a circuit around my neighborhood that encompasses just a little over 2 miles. Greenville is known for its hills and its trees, so there is nowhere I can go and not encounter challenging terrain. Because I am so out of shape, there were several times during my workout that I wanted to quit.

When you're at home on the treadmill and you feel pooped, you can always step off. (um, not that I do...) When you walk out your front door and get tired, it doesn't matter, there's nothing for you to do but make your way home from wherever you are. And I chose a path that had no shortcuts.

When I returned home from my walk I was not nearly as hungry as I felt when I got home from work. I consumed more calories at lunch than I had intended, so I told myself then that I would need to go lighter at dinner to make up for it. I was going to fix dinner more out of habit and boredom than actual hunger. I did come home wanting a sweet treat though, and I was thirsty. So, I made myself a simple smoothie: chocolate soy milk (Silk) and a banana, and it really hit the spot.

It was refreshing because it was cold, filling because of the banana, and the chocolate richness satisfied my sweet tooth.

That was around 7:45 pm. It's about 2 hours later and if I get hungry again before bedtime, I'll have an apple or some grapes, maybe a cup of yogurt, but no meat or bread, definitely nothing fried, and no pasta or pastries....sigh...

See! This is how I used to live. These were my automatic habits. This is why I could maintain my weight without having to even think about it once upon a time. It is infinitely frustrating to me that I feel like I have to relearn everything I used to know and retrain myself to do all of these things that simply were a part of me.

I didn't grow up eating junk food and sitting around watching TV. I know. I know. I said all this before, but I'm just like: dang! How did I fall into this rut?

Anyway...the important thing is this: I am trying to climb out of it.

As always, comments are welcome and encouragement is needed.

Thank you in advance....

I Am So Discouraged

2007-09-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

152.5

I think it is fair to assume that all of my current readers have carried over from my Sisterlocks blog, Sisterlocked in SC - Another Sisterlocks Success Story!

And you know what? My Sisterlocks experience to date has been all good. In spite of the fact that I have bent quite a few of the rules. I never braided and banded. I requested a larger lock size. I didn't use the starter shampoo. I don't tie it up at night or sleep on a satin pillowcase.....I could go on. And yet my Sisterlocks still look fabulous!

I have had no problems with slippage or unraveling, no outrageous frizzies, and they are growing marvelously. I have indeed had nothing but success.

Not so with my weight loss efforts.

In fact, I feel like I should rename this blog, "Black Russian Packs on the Pounds!"

Three and a half weeks ago, I made quite the declaration about my intent to change my eating and exercise habits. I even intend to participate in a half marathon in January. And since then I have been so inconsistent with my diet and so non-existent with my exercise that I have actually gained 5 lbs.

On August 19, my weight was 147.5, and it was the most I'd ever weighed....Ever, in life!

Previously my peak weight was 135. And I thought that was positively awful. Almost 5 years ago, my weight crept up from the familiar and comfortable 107 - 115 range to a 123 - 127 range and I absolutely thought it was the beginning of the end! Because to that date I had never weighed more than 120 and not stayed at that weight for anything more than a month or two.

But I didn't stay at that weight for more than 6 months, and I actually managed to lose it all within one month. I kept it off for the next three years with very little effort and never looked back.

So you can imagine how I feel now when I look in a mirror.

I am so disappointed in myself. Because of my obvious lack of self-discipline and because of the negative cycle I find myself caught in.

I look in the mirror. And I feel fat. And I think: might as well have another ice cream cone (donut, candy bar, brownie, slice of pie, piece of cake, order of fries...whatever, you name it.)

I know better! I am so not this person. And I am just like: what in the world? When did this happen? How did this happen? What is up with my self-esteem? What am I upset about that I am not dealing with? Why am I in this funk and how do I pull myself out of it?

So I have been writing posts, but I have not published them because I have not had the courage to expose myself in this way. My Sisterlocks blog is mostly funny and upbeat and positive, occasionally introspective. I don't want this one to be all about my failures and shortcomings and how bad I feel about myself at the moment. That's just pitiful!

I wrote a post on my other blog about how much I hate my body (and the bad habits that have made it this way). n'drea was so sweet. She told me not to have any self-hate, and she said that she had always seen me as a very positive person, and I am. I really, really am. Which is why when I look inside myself and try to figure out why I'm eating like this (because I know there must be an emotional trigger), I feel just as much like I am someone else emotionally as I feel like this is someone else's body when I look in the mirror.

I didn't want to post about the funk until I had pulled myself out of it, until I had turned the failure into success. But then yesterday I was thinking about my Sisterlocks blog and why I started it: to document my journey, and to garner support, and to communicate with other women who were experiencing the same things.

When I started my blog and my Sisterlocks, I did not know I would experience such success. I didn't know that I would be so in love with them every day. I was fully prepared to have days where I didn't like them at all and totally doubted my decision. I was very afraid I wouldn't like them and would wake up some mornings thinking: what have I done?

I wanted to create a support system. And I wanted to help others who were unsure and afraid as I was in the beginning.

So, maybe being this honest and allowing myself to feel this vulnerable with my weight loss blog will help someone else down the road, and maybe it will help me too.

I'm Fat, So What?

2007-08-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

This post is not about loving myself and my body at whatever size and shape it happens to be at the moment.

The rest of that statement is: so what am I going to do about it?

I'll tell you what.

I've decided to train for a marathon (okay, half-marathon, but that is a huge commitment for me and my decidedly non-athletic self.)

I am not going to put the numbers out there because I am petite, so what is very over-weight for me is quite a normal range for taller people. You would say: fat? That's not really fat!

But I assure you, I am 40 lbs. overweight.

**Update** Changed my mind. 147.5

Until 2 years ago, I could wear all of the same clothes I wore in middle school. (Not that I did, of course.) I was the same height and the same weight within 7 - 10 lbs. between the ages of 13 and 27, and I was never skinny. In fact, I was always curvy and soft, not quite thick and voluptuous, but definitely not a stick figure.

My point is, that I don't have an unreasonable ideal weight in mind dictated to me by the media and the fashion industry that will always be out of reach and unattainable. My idea of what I should weigh and how I should look in my clothes comes from what I have always weighed in my adult life and how I have always looked in my clothes.

I own a scale, but I always went by how my clothes fit me. If things looked or felt a little snug, I would step on the scale and see that I had gained 5 lbs or so, and cut back on something, eat salads for a few days and return to my normal weight.

I was hit or miss with exercise. I liked to because I felt better overall, but I never was in a routine of doing it for weight-loss or weight control. I like pilates and yoga because I used to dance and the moves keep me flexible, they are also great for relaxation and de-stressing and easing muscle tension after a hard day.

I've always known about the benefits of training with light weights, but I got more serious about it around the age of 25 , because, like I said, I have always been soft and once I started on the downhill slope towards thirty, I thought it would be a good idea to get a head start on making sure the soft parts didn't start to sag.

When I was little my mother was hardcore about the health food. I mean no cow's milk, no sugar (not even hard candy and definitely no candy bars). She baked her own bread ( from wheat flour not white, of course) and made her own yogurt. I ate carob and not chocolate...I could go on...

But my point is, that while I have not always eaten health food every day of my adult life, making healthy choices was enough a part of me that I didn't crave or rely on fast food, or junk food. I don't sit in front of the tv eating chips and ice cream. (Ahem, didn't used to...)

Several things changed exactly 2 years ago, and I will not go into detail in this post, but in May of '05 I gained 10 lbs., and was unable to shake them. I was terribly upset. Ten became 15 and 15 became 20. Fortunately, I gain weight pretty evenly, so while some of my clothes didn't fit like I wanted, most things did.

Basically, I could wear everything but my slinkiest dresses and my skinniest jeans.

Twenty-five lbs. Oh no! Now my cute little blouses won't button without puckering! And my cute little tanks are beginning to ride up at the back and show cleavage at the front. Not the look I'm going for! Gasp! My strapless sundresses won't zip. Anything with a zipper won't zip!

I've got to join a gym.

I do, for the classes, and the moral support even though I own a treadmill, an elliptical, and an adequate collection of free weights.

I lose 7 lbs and gain 10 and lose 5 and gain 3 and lose 8....

You get the picture, so for months I'm hovering around 25 - 30 lbs overweight and I'm not making progress. I know why. It isn't a mystery, but it is still very frustrating.

Then a few months ago, the bottom really fell out for me (break-up, unemployment, and family illness combined). And I just couldn't find it within myself to take care of myself by eating healthy and working out. It was all I could do to make it through the day and fall into bed exhausted at the end of it...

So...then came the extra 10 lbs.

I am now officially very overweight.

It isn't that pesky 10 lbs I wish would go away so that I can wear my favorite party dress. It is blouses that won't button at all anymore and pullover shirts that get stuck at my shoulders and skirts that threaten to rip at the seams. And flabby arms and visible cellulite on my thighs - yuck!

This is the first summer in my life that I have not worn shorts at all. Thank goodness for capris - otherwise I would have been trapped wearing long pants all season.

I can't wear 85% of the clothes in my closet. Not just because I am self-conscious about my body and how I look in them, but because the majority actually don't fit. I cannot get into them.

I am so fed up.

A week ago, I was on msn.com and I saw an article entitled 3 Ways to Walk it Off from Prevention magazine. It's a really good article because it gives an actual step by step breakdown of how many minutes to walk at varying speeds to get results. One workout is only 20 minutes, and the other two are 45 and 60.

I won't go into it here, but part of my initial weight gain was due to health problems that sapped my energy. I am recovering, but I can't push myself like I could have when I was, say 20 and fit. I can't just hop on my elliptical machine and go for an hour, or get on my treadmill and run like I'd like to.

But I have to do something because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I'm living in a fat suit. I have fat rolls. Belly rolls, back rolls, jiggly arms - ew! My waist has become absolutely non-existent and my breasts are out of control. I feel like they belong to someone else and they are constantly in my way! It is awful. I am so unhappy and choosing what to wear everyday is such a chore.

So, how did I go from no exercise to deciding to participate in a marathon?

Well, it's been a tickle in the back of my brain for years, but I never took the time to really plan for one. I can't run. I have terrible form. I don't own a good sports bra or running shoes. I will hear about a charity event about 3 -4 weeks before it starts and think: hey! That would have been a good cause to support, but there's no way I could be ready for it. I'm so out of shape, I'd cramp up or pass out on the course and require assistance. No thanks! That's not helping anyone!

There was a link to this page in the article I read. It has information about walker-friendly marathons and more step-by-step advice about how to train for entry in a marathon. I read it and thought: this I can do!

I used the feature: My Walking Calendar to create a 12 week program for myself. If I stick with it, I should be ready to walk 13.1 miles without feeling like I will fall out and die.

I start tomorrow. Now that I have written about it, I have to follow through!

I will keep you posted on my success.

**For additional comments, see the original post on my SL blog**